I have ocd and thought that I had a pretty darn good control over it. It usually isn’t too bad, just mildly annoying, and I work around it. I decided today to do an exercise in desensitization and I failed miserably.

I tried to start a journal that no one would see but me. Simple right? Nope. I’m terrified of being wrong about certain things and I’m especially scared of being wrong in print. I have a terrible time writing things and not rewriting them a million times for, well, a million little things. I find this really difficult because I love to write. I think the only reason I’m able to post here is because it is anonymous and if I screw up no one knows it is me. Strange how minds work isn’t it? I started to write and got through a whole page and began to do my ritual rereading and checking and then I noticed something I didn’t like and couldn’t change it because it was written in ink. I can’t stand the visual look of something being crossed out so I thought I would “compromise” with myself and just tear out the few little offending parts. Well, that didn’t look right so I tore out more and more. You can guess how it ended up.

I couldn’t just let it be! What is wrong with me? I thought I had a better control over it than that! Maybe, because my rituals are mostly mental, I don’t notice how bad it is?