I can fully relate! I'm officially a catholic, too and I don't go to church. However I only have positive experiences there so I don't hate them like some people... It's really complicated...

I've got mixed feelings about Christmas... My mum will probably spend Christmas in hospital getting chemo for her leukemia this year... Not a festive mood at all.
I'm not sure whether I believe in Jesus or not, and secular version of Christmas doesn't appeal to me at all.

I wish you all the best. This too shall pass. I really hope you enjoy your midnight service in the protestant church.