I would prefer a substantive response but it was a process of give/take that led to this approach so we both compromised which rationally I can get on board with.

Also I deep down eventually agreed and understood amd saw the sense in what she was saying about therapy not taking place in the room, there being all this stuff that is 'brought' to her but not really, and also that I was hiding behind email as it was easier to say things without being seen. So cause of that I accepted the short responses.

I prefer some response than none cause part of the reason I send them is to tug on the thread that binds us and asks - you still there? Have you abandoned me yet? And her reply says no, I haven't, I told you I won't and I'll keep on telling you so in this way till you don't need to ask anymore.

Also I prefer being able to do it and some response than none cause it became to me a symbol of unconditional acceptance and love, or care as she would say, and I want that, I need that.

And once she gave it me (ie permission to write and that she would read and respond briefly) I didn't really use it (as much). All I needed was the gift of it.

But I was able to talk and explain to the young me who needed this that unconditional love doesn't mean things that are bad for me or whatever I want or unreasonable things, and because I understood the reasoning for the brief responses the young me was able to accept it- it seemed 'fair' in that way children can accept.

Sometimes the purpose is to talk myself down from spiralling. So I have a plan or things to do if go into emotional flashback or are struggling or SI and writing her is pretty much the last on the list before get thee to the doctors.

In this case it is the sharing of the pain, the having someone to bear witness and stand by me, the knowing that there is someone there and if it is bad enough she'll call or something that is the purpose of the email.

Linked to this I sometimes 'give' her a difficult issue to hold for me in the week, or keep for me so it doesn't make me unhappy - like putting in a box but I prefer to give it into her care. It then allows me to maximise functionality in the week.

And sometimes the purpose is to act as an aide memoire cause I always forget things, though she likes this much less so I rarely use it for this purpose.

So many different purposes all of which we examined to death it seemed in therapy.

And then when I don't email her we talk about that and why not!! Did I find a better or worse way of coping, Am I pissed off with her (transference/projection) etc etc.

But it was good as the emailing was a way of really teasing out my subconsious needs, fears etc