"I am a goal oriented person. Without succeeding in accomplishing goals I feel useless."

I had this in spades. I was one of those super over-achieving kids and then went on to a prestigious university as valedictorian of my class. I had an exceptional career in some ways until it all came crashing down in one big manic burst born out of really intense suffering on multiple fronts that I won't go into. When I stopped working I got involved with someone who did a lot of harm to me and probably got a kick out of bringing me down or wouldn't give a damn. I thought he was more damaged than me with the degree to which he lied and made up a fanciful personal history that never happened.

I, on the other hand, don't even talk about my past because it has so little connection in any practical way with my present and I want to protect my identity in different contexts and privacy online.

I think in retrospect I was the one who was more ill but it just comes out in different ways. That last relationship convinced me that i had trusted the wrong person and needed to be much more careful who I bring and I also sort of lost my appetite for much in terms of relationships although I do have my son and he is trying hard to be his best person most of the time.

My parents used to physically and emotionally abuse me and then laugh at me together and say to their 10 year old daughter that I 'wanted to be a victim'... I found a complete fraud to have a romance with. Fortunately it ended before I was diagnosed with lung cancer so I didn't have to go through the breakup at the same time. There is no way he would have stuck with me through that.

I've just had so many blows in life that it has sort of broke my spirit too and I've lost my confidence that if I try hard that good things will happen rather than making things worse.

I've never self-harmed or been suicidal but have been taken in multiple times for being a danger to myself and kept for a month in psych wards. Unfortunately this man was deeply involved in the paranoid delusions i developed after we broke up. He left more than a dozen files of strange texts on the laptop of mine i used to let him borrow when he visited. I found these after we broke up. At some point I start to think had these files had hidden messages. I started to hear sounds around my house and started thinking he had set up recording with video and sound all over my house and then set up a sound system so he could time noises to coincide with my movements and thoughts... He talked about working as a spy and special forces all the time when we were together.

Anyway I have a small celebration that my rotator cuff injury is slowly getting better and I have more functionality with that arm and less pain.