I found your post to be both helpful and insightful, especially this part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcl6136
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I feel that therapy was a way that I had a fake intimacy that I used to replace the possibility of real intimacy in my life. As long as I had a 50 minute session of someone that I pretended to be close to...I was good.
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Therapy wasn't a just or mostly a fake intimacy -- it was a fake life. A goal to "get it right" so I could try to make a life. "Make the therapy work" -- it eventually didn't, though -- and not "make my life work".
I didn't have a clue how to do the latter. And without a clue, it was too scary to even try, or something.
Sure, my cluelessness was probably related to past trauma, and if therapy could help with that -- I think maybe it did -- that was a good reason to go.
But the latter -- how to make a life. I'm still pretty clueless about it but I've been doing without therapy for more than 2 years and it seems to be getting a little easier. At least sometimes.