I'm sorry I can't help you. Just wanted to say you're not alone.I struggle with the exactly same thing! It's like falling into a black hole. Ateists can't understand, but for me, this situation is truly traumatizing. And there are very few people who can relate to this kind of intense pain


There's no one to talk to... no one understands... ateists are like "wow, great! You can enjoy life now, you're free!" Religious people will try to convrt you back which is impossible and painful. Almost no one can understand that you feel miserable, you're suffering but can't force yourself to honestly believe. But I'd love to be capable of belief!!!! However none of apologetic arguments are able to convince me... incredibly agonizing!


The special kind of loneliness with this issue makes it even more unbearable.