Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin
"Don't push the river, let it carry you." Maybe I can remember that the next time I start to freak out wondering how I ended up so alone in life and knowing there are many more people in the same boat out there.
My psychoses are treatable it seems like, but I am almost permanently depressed and have very negative thoughts about myself and that seems to be 'treatment resistant'. I cannot take Antidepressants because they either cause mania, anxiety or just don't work.
Your situation seems very complicated and a professional might need a number of sessions to decide. My signs of bipolar were supposedly unmistakable but now my long term pdoc thinks it could be SZA. Now I take a med approved for schizophrenia but not bipolar yet and am psychiatrically stable but chronically depressed. Low Energy is my name.
It sounds like you have energy and still a bounce in your step?
It is good to know you have someone familiar to call and they are familiar with your situation.
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When you call the crisis hotline you don't get the same people but they keep records and refer to them. They are usually young people...interns, I assume...but they do their job with a professionalism and caring attitude I find quite admirable. This is a state funded program and I am proud of it, really. But it does not resolve issues.
I think what I have is dependent personality disorder...but I think that isn't used anymore...and so it would be adjustment disorder, I think. I was the youngest in my family and kind of spoiled while also kind of ignored if the two can co-exist. I married a very well educated high powered Alpha sort of genuis boy...a narcissist. I also thought he would get bored mid-life and leave...which is what happened. But not before mismanaging funds causing us to lose our house, savings, and go bankrupt. I was traumatized. The marriage had shielded me. Then it destroyed me. Losing the house to foreclosure was such an impossible scenerio I couldn't believe it. The genius boy was reckless and insisted on handling the finances. I trusted him and it cost me everything.
Sigh. So...in truth...weirdly...for someone with a dependent personality...therapy could be counter-intuitive. I don't think I have organic brain chemistry problems. I think I have maladaptive coping skills. In other words...behavioral dependency. Personally I don't find therapists very intelligent these days. It's mindfulness this and mindfulness that. It's lightweight. It doesn't get to the root. I've done all the work on my own.
As well I am...too much for most people to handle. I am not manic but I am high energy and demanding of life. A perfectionist. I do not take failure well.
Social isolation is a societal scourge. People get pushed aside...especially introverts. My ex was a strong extrovert and a strong Alpha and he remarried within a few months to someone he met on the Internet. She had money so in a short time he recouped everything and he lives not far from me in a large mansion type country home. Prick! Married someone a decade younger who had never been married and was fading a bit on the vine. I mean this is what he told me! He sent me a card six months after he remarried saying he missed me and could we still be friends? I called him and said in the US men don't generally have two wives...an elder and a younger. Such a prick!
I need a radical new plan. Back to the drawing board.
Well the maintenance guy came to fix stuff for me today and he said I was one of the nicest tenants in the building. When I said, "Oh, you are just flattering me..." his partner piped up and said, "Believe him. Mostly everyone irritates him. He wouldn't say something positive about you unless he meant it."
Okay!
So there you go. Sheez, maybe I don't have a terrible personality. Maybe I am just mentally weak.
