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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie
Do therapist know and understand this is all happening? I am very enmeshed to my therapist and I spent the weekend trying to comfort that small child part that was in such despair. I have therapy today at 3pm. I did send him an email last night that I felt it was not the modality that he is using to help me with my issued but it was the relationship and the thought of leaving therapy brings back all the symptoms that brought me to therapy to begin with.
It is not normal to be thinking about your therapist every moment of the day. That is how my weekend went and I need it to stop. How can therapist think that is healthy?
Right now I just feel I can not leave therapy. If I was a healthy functioning adult I would not have gone into therapy to begin with. Since therapy with him I stopped being bulimic, I do not self harm and I do not think about killing myself on a daily basis. When I think about leaving therapy all those feelings seem to flood right back in. So I do not know anymore.
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Moxie, my thoughts about what you have written: the symptoms of bulimia, other ways of self harming, and feeling suicidal, are a big problem. They lead to you harming yourself physically and even putting your life at risk, as well as all the limitations of not being able to really engage in living your life to the best and getting pleasure and joy out of life and living to your full potential. These are all very good reasons to have asked for help and wanted something to change. The fact that you are no longer bulimic and suicidal is IMO a very good indicator that you did the right thing in engaging in therapy and that therapy is helping. Objectively, you are coming to less harm and your life is in less danger than before you started therapy. If you can continue to overcome and move past the problems you mention, then you will be more and more able to engage in healthy relationships with people, to engage in your life and enjoy your life and do well in your life. This is how it happened for me too.
The painful feelings and the attachment are very difficult, as you know I totally understand that, but the pain is coming from the bad and difficult experiences you have been through, as you know and as is written in your signature. However painful it may never I absolutely think it's better than SH and suicide, and you or someone else could see that things are better when they look at how life is going for you at the moment. Have you asked for feedback from anyone about how they think you are doing since you've been going to therapy? You don't have to phrase it exactly like that even, but you could just say 'Do you think things have been any better this year compared to last year, from your perspective' , or even something like if you have an annual performance review at work can you compare it across however many years it has been since you started therapy?
I hope you don't mind my replying here.