hi Evenmore... thats a lot there so i'm just gonna work with a part of it....

first, i hope ranting helped... its good to get it 'out there' ... writing is one way ...

Evenmore said:

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I hate that I've been completely crapped on by him, yet still miss him, and then have to question whether it's him I miss or just another body being around all the time. I suspect the latter, which makes me feel like a pathetic &*#$ and makes me hate myself even more. When did I become this pathetic, needy person who thinks so little of himself that I need a constant stream of praise and approval and validation to feel remotely decent?

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imo, this does not make you pathetic in the least... if anything i see strength because you are rebelling against the pain... kudos.....

second, you are not worthless and never will be.. the actions in your life up to date have impacted others, and it is all good from a growing perspective...

this pain and isolation you feel can be left behind as you spiral up to your own stated goals.... dont give up your dreams... i know its been said a million times.... for a reason...

you came and posted and 'got it out there' ... i am glad you found us, or we found you.. whichever.... your voice has been heard.....

dont cry alone... you are not...... ever, tho it may seem that way... you are not alone..... there are many who suffer.... we come to congregate here.... i hope you find healing in all your attempts.....