Hello Idontknowwhy: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you have encountered this difficulty in your marriage. You asked if it is possible your husband is gay. I don't believe there is any way for anyone to know that for sure unless your husband would decide he is & he tells people he is. That is, it seems to me, the bottom line.

The other thing I might mention here, though, is that sexual orientation is no longer considered to be the simple binary (straight / gay) it used to be viewed as. Sexual orientation is now looked at more as being on a continuum with straight & gay being at the opposite ends of the spectrum. So, while your husband may or may not be "gay", it is also possible that his sexual orientation lies somewhere in between. Or, in the alternative, perhaps he is completely heterosexual & all of what you are experiencing with him has to do with as yet undiagnosed mental health issues. Really... there's no way to tell that I know of short of your husband engaging in in-depth individual therapy in order to figure out what he's struggling with & what to do about it.

So the more pertinent question here, to my way of thinking, may be what are you... what can you... do about all of this. I don't recall if you said whether or not you're seeing a counselor or therapist at the present time yourself. However, if not, I would think something of that sort might be what you would want to do in order to come to some decisions with regard to where you want to go with all of this. It's going to take time & effort to do that I would imagine. In the meantime, hopefully, coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.