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Originally Posted by Idontknowwhy234
We have been married 15 years, It has been a very difficult and unhealthy marriage. Nothing about our marriage was ever based on an emotional connection. Physical at best.
We have four kids now, and after returning back to work after staying home with our children and supporting him through out his military career, transition into civilian career and through getting his bachelors degree along with other moves. I finally went back to school and got an associates, after that, I went to work a dead end retail job, finally moving into a work from home project management, low paying long hours career change. I am still starting at the bottom in hopes of working my way up.
He is settled into his career.
We have never had a partnership. We also have nothing in common.He still wants sex and it is his top complaint in our marriage. We have done counseling, we have done marriage intensive. We are still very broken. He became "Christian" again many years ago, and while the idea that of him believing in God was not an issue for me, the obsession he had with specific people and specific churches have been. It has also been a reason I will never believe. He has always had some kind of obsession that has replaced me forever. However there was only one point in time that he did not physically want me in a sexual way. This was after our first move to a new duty station and during this time he actually stayed out of the house even staying at his bachelor friends room on base. Since then, he wants sex, usually on his terms. Even now, he wants sex, and when I tell him how something he has just done makes me feel, it is always turned into what I don't do for him. I am currently in my own counseling, working on myself. I have been told I can't expect what I need if I don't give what he needs. But there is no emotional connection, how is it he physically needs sex from me if he doesn't connect with me at all even during sex. At one point (and we were in marriage counseling when this happened, we attempted new things sexually. He found he really liked it and actually wants it. While I know it does not explain he's gay persay, there are a lot of different cues I'm realizing that could be. He has always made jokes regarding Gays. Despite his family having a close family friend who is Gay. After third child was born, and he was "Christian again" he tells me how he told the men in his "Men's group about him being molested. The incident, was him as a teenager meeting some guy online and he came over and he snuck out to go to the guys car and the guy gave him head. I was confused at this, because he had never told me this before. He swore up and down that he said it during counseling years before, this is not the first account of something he tells me he has said, but had not, and he gets angry as if I just forgot. Most of the time, he just forgets and he has admitted that many times, but of course when brought up, he says he's never admitted to ever saying he forgets things.
He is also very obsessed with his friends. Most of the time, it's his best friend from high school, but here and there, there are other men. He gets close to them, and then things seem to slow down. Most of the time there's a lot of gay jokes that pass between them, but a lot of it really seems to be him making those jokes.
He tells me now, that he is empty, and that is why he can't remember to do the things I've outright asked him to do, specifically planning dates, but also the little things like writing me notes. He just doesn't have anything romantic for me. But he has taken his daughter on daddy daughter dates because he wants her to know how she should be treated when she dates.
He is very smart, and he is has a way with words, just not a way with words for me. He calls me passive aggressive, and I have been told consistently by counselors that I am, but nobody gets to the underlining reason behind it. I try to tell him how something makes me feel and he gets angry. He curses at me more when talking to me, when I ask him to please not curse. He knows I don't like it, and continues to do it. During our marriage intensive we had a male and female counselor, he obviously had the male and I had the female counselor. During this time, he seemed more buddy buddy with him, rather than working on any issues, and ultimately it was all brought down to the reason why we were having these issues was because I was insecure when he says I love you, and I wouldn't accept that he really loves me.
I am still there. for a couple years he told me I needed to be on meds. I went and got meds, it actually made me feel worse taking them. I disconnected myself from my children and slept more than I should but yet, I had trouble really sleeping. I went back a few times, then stopped it all, I got a job, I had friends, I was a little more independent at this point, but things between us got worse. I went back again, and she told me no you are only situational depressed. I can't stop these running thoughts in my head that maybe he's Gay but either doesn't know it himself or is masking those thoughts with his anger and sex obsession.
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Your post and another that was in a similar vein once again make me think PC should consider having a forum for people to discuss graphic sex acts while at the same time discussing their relationship. This is clearly how some people view relationships: as a series of physical acts. Having a forum where newcomers can post their sexual stories would be a way to gather them all together and to find support among other like-minded people.
If you want to know if your husband considers himself homosexual, ask him. Of course he could deny being homosexual and still actually be homosexual. He could also be a person who wants sex whenever and with whomever and however he wants it without regard to there being a label placed upon it.
There are men--and women--and every human permutation in between--who relate to other humans sexually as their primary means of relating. This may be what you are dealing with.
It seems to me you are coming from some sort of background that has different ideas about the nature of a marriage (or primary relationship). It also seems to me that whatever counseling you have had hasn't helped, particularly whoever it was who put you on medication at the request of someone else and without proper diagnosis. Passive aggression is ultimately self-defeating although you might not realize that until very far down the road. Nevertheless I invite you to consider saying forthrightly what you want, and formulating a plan in your own mind and heart about what you will do when you don't get it. I speculate you will not get a satisfactory response from your husband.
What does this mean? Start planning for a life without him. There is no need to "disconnect" from the children you brought into the world. Regardless of your husband's orientation and your feelings about it, the children are the helpless victims here of your dysfunctional relationship. Instead of disconnecting from them, model for them what a healthy parent does when life hands them a curveball: find work that is fulfilling, develop friendships that are rewarding, encourage the children to study and play healthfully and allow them to have as healthy a relationship as they can with their father until or unless he does something that puts them in jeopardy.
Your husband isn't in control of whether you have faith or not; regardless of how you view how he expresses himself. Another healthy thing to model for your children is holding your own well-thought out ideas and not blaming others for what you do or do not believe.
For me; I wouldn't want a 'life-partner' who wanted to "hang out" (either vertically or horizontally) with multiple other crushes (male or female) and I would have zero interest in anyone who thought of me as merely a receptacle for sexual release. You will need to decide for yourself what you do or do not want--and proceed accordingly.
I wish you and your children the best. I am guessing your husband will land on his feet no matter what, given his track record of getting his own way--time to let him get his own way--without using you to do it. Ya think?