Note: This session includes some discussion about treatment and causes of autism. I respectfully request that you not turn this thread into any sort of debate about that. If you want to PM me, that's fine, but I know it's a very divisive topic, and I don't want to get into that debate here.

T yesterday. He retrieved me (wearing jeans again), and we went back and sat down. Chatted for a minute about something, then T went, "So, hello!" Me: "Uh, hi!" T: "How are you?" Me: "Uh, I'm doing OK." T: "Just OK?" Me: "Yeah, kinda tired. It's been a rough few days with D." T: "I'm sorry to hear that. What's been going on?"

I talked about a few things that happened with her the past few days, including a rather disastrous trip to a restaurant with just me and her while H was...working in the sport he does work in. And a visit to watch H do that work the morning before that was very stressful. T said how it sounded exhausting, and I said yes, how H, his dad, stepmom, D, and a friend were going out to lunch after, but I was just wiped out.

I said she'd been having like daily meltdowns the past week. And that she'd done this in past but stopped for a while, but had started biting herself again, like on her wrists, when she's upset. T made a really sad face, like turning down his lower lip. It was rather endearing. We discussed that behavior briefly, and I said how I intended to contact one of the family therapists he'd forward to me.

I talked about the experience in the restaurant (for the record, it was 4:45 on a Saturday and a casual restaurant) and sporting venue, how whenever I take her out, if she's acting out, I worry that the other patrons or workers there will be upset with me. That they'll think I'm a bad mom. But I'm really trying. Like I want to hold a sign that says "She's on the autism spectrum."

T (who for those who don't know, has a son on the autism spectrum) said that if someone chooses to go out in public, then they have to realize they'll deal with a mix of people. And that most people will understand. And if someone doesn't, then it's on them, not me. I said I guess I knew that, especially if they're other parents. T: "Yes, that, or most people have nieces or nephews or younger siblings. They realize that kids act out." Me: "Yeah...but I think of how maybe I judged parents when I was younger...then again, I'm also right there with D, trying to calm her down, making sure she's not in anyone's way." T: "And that's probably why you haven't had any issues." Me: "Like getting kicked out?" T: "Or issues with other patrons."

He looked thoughtful for a second. T: "There was a time a while ago when we were at a restaurant in [city a few states away from us]. And this couple there was upset that there was even a child in the restaurant at all. Like the guy was talking to management, demanding a free meal because of it. And my son wasn't even acting out at all, it was just his presence. So it was obviously the guy, not him." Me: "And I assume you weren't there at 9 p.m. on a Saturday in a fancy restaurant?" T: "No, and it was midpriced. The guy complained to the manager. And my wife complained to him about it. They didn't give them a free meal." Me: "Good!" T: "But that's an example where the person clearly had issues, it was about them, not my son." Me: "Yeah."

Conversation shifted to my feeling like I wasn't being a good enough parent. T gave me a very caring look, like, to the point that I had to look away, it felt so caring and empathetic that it overwhelmed me. T: "The fact that you worry about that shows you are a good parent." Me: "I guess. I mean, I've heard that before." T: "I wish more people thought like that." Me: "What do you mean? Like that were concerned they weren't good enough parents?" T: "Yes. Not enough people think that way." Me: "Oh OK."

I said how I thought maybe part of my fears of inadequacy come from being in Facebook groups with parents of kids on the spectrum, including those doing various interventions. That I felt I wasn't doing enough. So maybe I needed to stop reading those? Because parents were doing all kinds of things. And I felt I wasn't doing enough. Like I felt in a way I should go back to the holistic psychiatrist we saw, but we haven't really done the gluten-free/casein-free diet, which was her first suggestion, so I'm worried she'd be critical of that. T: "That diet takes a lot of work. It might just not be the right thing for you, at least not right now." Me: "OK...I just worry about things like, snacks in aftercare, or like my parents who would think it's BS." T: "Then do other things instead."

T: "What are your parenting philosophies?" Me: "My what?" T: "What are your priorities as a parent? It can help to determine what your priorities are." Me: "Like...in what sense?" T: "Like, OK, you've mentioned trying different supplements for D at various times in here. So, say that's a priority for you. So you try different supplements. And then if you do that, you feel you're doing the best that you can." Me: "Oh, OK. I guess...I just always feel like I could be doing more." T: "Or you take her to a behavioral therapist." Me: "But like...what if the best behavioral therapist is in...I don't know...Arizona? Am I not doing enough if I don't travel there or move there?" T: "No, it's about doing what's reasonable, financially, logistically, what you can do." Me: "OK."

He seemed thoughtful again. T: "OK, so I believe that one of the contributors to the rise in autism in environmental." Me: "Like pollutants, pesticides, GMOs, stuff like that?" T: "Yes, partly that. And toxins in the environment. So something that I do to make me feel like I'm doing what I can is eliminate that as much as I can in our home. Like, we couldn't afford wool carpets, but for the carpets we got, we had a coating put on them that reduced offgassing." Me: "There's a coating that can do that?" T: "Yes." Me: "Well, we mostly have hardwood, so..." T: "That can offgas, too." Me: "Well, it's the original hardwood from like 40 years ago, so probably not an issue...But we need to get a new sofa and I worry about that." T: "There's a coating you can put on it to prevent the offgassing." Me: "Really? Oh OK."

We had maybe 10 minutes left. I wasn't sure where to go from there. T: "I have a question for you, not sure how you'll react." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "How much do you think you're affected by how the people in your life are doing?" Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Like if people in your life are doing poorly, does that affect how you're feeling?" Me: "Hm, I don't know. I mean, I might worry about them, but..." T said something there. Me: "But I guess I feel I'm most affected by D. Like she might be doing well, like she's doing lots of pretend play lately, and I want to be excited about that, but then I'm also thinking, 'but she should have been doing that years ago, does it even count now?' And I hate that. And if she's struggling, like this past week, I'm struggling." T: "OK, it makes sense you're affected by her."

Me: "I guess I kind of strayed from your question." T: "That's OK, you're talking about your D, so clearly that's what's most important to you right now." Me: "Yeah..." We talked about her a bit more. I mentioned how, say, some people in groups I'm in are homeschooling their kids, and I could never do that, I'd lose it, plus don't think i'd be a good teacher. T said some people who homeschool are former teachers. Me: "Oh..." He also said how I have to take care of me. Me: "Yeah...because if I don't do that I can't be a good mom to her." T: "Exactly." Me: "Coming here is a way that I take care of myself." T smiled.

Random thing from session--forget where it fit:

I was talking about schools for students with more severe special needs (not my D, but it came up). And T mentioned a video where a special ed gym teacher had figured out how to adapt a certain sport to kids who had severe physical and mental limitations. He seemed to be looking for it on his phone...like maybe he was going to show me in session? I don't know. He couldn't find it but gave enough details that I could search it online (I found it at home). T: "Just to warn you: You probably won't be able to watch it to the end with dry eyes." So...I guess it made him cry, too? (Yeah, it made me cry, but it doesn't necessarily take much.) It was touching to think of him getting emotional about someone helping special-needs kids...

Was time to stop. Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. I went over and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Good luck with D. I hope she does better this week." Me: "Thanks, me too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

I felt really connected to T that session. It felt again like he was talking to me as a fellow autism parent, not just as a T. And there was something about the way he was talking and looking at me that felt particularly caring. Almost...loving or something. Like just a real connection there.