Long talk with T. I think I am getting to one core of my issues. I don't think H bought the item because he doesn't want me to go on disability. I think he just did it without thinking of me. However, years ago, when I told him I didn't want to go back to work because it was too stressful, he bought a big SUV. I was thinking of changing jobs. He just made a decision, without thinking of me.


For Xmas one year, he bought both of them (D and H) a vacation without asking or telling me. I found out when she opened the present. I don't make at all as much money as he does. I couldn't believe it.


T, you told me that one could either work or not. The problem is sometimes I am okay and sometimes I am not. This equation doesn't factor into the fact that there are people like me. I am no longer having issues at this time. But I am so terrified that there is going to be a time when I have to continuously go to work feeling as terrorized as I did previously. And because I don't show it, that nobody would know it. I absolutely can work for as long as I can. Here is one of my deep, dark feelings. For the record, I am not even contemplating quitting.


I'm trying to deal with knowing that I have been in this lower position for quite awhile. How do I even start to move forward? Now I feel i have to be on guard which won't work. Ugh. Off to read the book, I need help.