I'm not okay. I don't think the reality of life right now has hit me. I was in the middle of talking to H about something tonight. I stopped mid sentence, paused for about 30 seconds, then looked at him and said, "sorry, what was I talking about?" It's like those 30 seconds are gone.

Hell, everything is gone. My dream is gone. My money is gone. And soon, my stupid, lovely, Pollyanna therapist will be gone.

My doctor this morning described me as cranky, and the phlebotomist said I seemed sad. Things are sad now, I guess. But I haven't cried yet. I don't know that I can anymore. I have nothing left to give.