Thanks to everyone who responded *so* supportively. I can't imagine where else I'd find people who understand how excruciatingly painful this is.


And I'm very sorry for the other people have gone through the same thing (and I do know - even a hiatus can be difficult).


I am lucky that one of the therapists I was referred to (and the one I'm going to continue with for now) - did know my therapist and worked in the same office, and she has even been able to explain some of the stuff that happened with my therapist's illness which I was confused about/misunderstood.


But the grief is very very intense. And it's impossible to even explain to people how huge this loss is. Actually both losses are. They're both overwhelming. My therapist who's now retiring has let me text her whenever I needed her - often several times a day (she's been saintly). And that's helped stave off he worst of the grief. So losing her is overwhelming too.


On top of it, last year I went through a severe depression that had me hospitalized for two months and having ECT. My ED therapist and I texted during that time, and that was one of many times she was literally a lifesaver. The depression is obviously much better, but it's still there - with huge mood swings through the day.


And I'm trying to find support to help me get through these losses - I go to depression support groups - but really my urgent problems right now are grief and loss and loneliness. And so they're not really the right place.

And I guess what it is - I just have to deal with the void they've left/are leaving. I can't fill it - at least not now. I just have to cope with it.