The Christmas my mother was ill was so confusing. I had fallen deeply in love so that made me happy, and I had a job that I loved, which was great. But my mother was gravely ill. I lived in a big city and my mother went into a hospital there and every day after work I would slug across town and be at the hospital 4 or 5 hours. I would take the bus home late in the evening, have a scotch (I was drinking heavily) pass out and wake up to do it all over again. When I went out with my boyfriend and had a good time I felt guilty. It is sooooo confusing when a parent is ill.

That Christmas my boyfriend and I announced we were engaged. My Mom took us aside and said, "What utter nonsense. You hardly know each other. You don't have to plan to get married just to create a happy ending before I die. Anyway, you guys don't even have a ring you are so darn poor. Just love one another and be good kids."

So we called off the engagement. It was very wise of my mother to see all that.

I would say do what you can manage and leave the rest. Your mental health gains are extremely, extremely important. Protect them.

Now that I am older I know that every Christmas is special in its own way.

That Christmas I felt confused. What I remember is I drank too much. I should have stayed sober, I think. Everyone in my family was acting out.

Some holiday seasons are insane and just accept that and be kind to yourself.


PS I eventually married the boyfriend.