Kohut's Self Psychology is one of the psychological theories that has influenced me the most as well (my last T said the same about himself, too), but we discussed that before. I did have several really great and influential twinship experiences in my life and also a few misperceived and failed ones, and I know how much those things can contribute to development, both good and bad and everything in between. I have also used public/historical figures, writers and artists whose work and personality seem to click with me in the way you describe above about finding a role model and inspiration. It usually starts with a sense of familiarity in that person's expression, work, thinking/emotional/communication style, whatever I have access to. Then it's narrowed down with time and with more information. Sometimes I have to conclude that my initial feeling of familiarity and shared values was quite wrong and better to disengage from that person or model. For me, one common factor that tends to lead there is when I have direct interactions with someone and I find out they are very hypocritical and/or passive aggressive - I just can't stand that. My mom was not abusive but was prone to passive aggression and lacked ambition, and I dealt with a few of those as an adult as well, mostly out of necessity, in professional life. Very frustrating, inefficient and emotionally taxing. No way to develop positive association with people like that. I usually have a strong reaction to it internally but do not always voice it, sometimes I just reject the person and never reconsider too much - did that with my mom as well quite early. I guess that is better than the other way around (being rejected and abandoned).

The sometimes tricky thing about it though, for those of us who can be inspired this way, is finding the right people (either role models or equal relationships). I think often great difficulties and failures are the result of trusting the wrong people and spending a great deal of time and energy on trying to make it work with them. Obviously what can happen in therapy as well. It definitely makes a big difference what kinds of people we were surrounded by early in life, before our independent personalities and sense of self developed, and this is almost luck, not a choice. For those who did not have good luck in that sense, of course it is not easy to figure out how to choose the right people later on and a sense of familiarity can also come from our worst parts and failure-prone personality elements, which is not the best way to be inspired. I think this is related to how our own values develop as personal values very much determine choices and the sources of motivation in life. For me, my perceived or real failures usually don't come from deficient values, I think, more from a discrepancy between my values and efforts to manifest them and my potential. And I am not sure there is anyone else to blame for those things but how I choose to do things (or not). So here is one area where I tend to benefit greatly from associating myself with people with high ambition and achievement, the so-called 'doers'. And one reason why talk therapy had very little benefit for me as it will not bridge the discrepancies between awareness and action by itself, it mostly just adds to the awareness part.

Like you, I get a lot out of community as well, and I wasn't always aware of this. Up until ~my mid 30's, I mostly thought I was not much of a team person and despised social structures and hierarchy. I think it was in a large part because I had not been exposed to truly good communities before that, including not having much of a family other than my parents and a cousin. It changed dramatically with my last job and taking on responsibilities I always avoided earlier. I am still learning that there are just as many potential sources of such social rewards as forms of communities, including online ones like this. But it all takes efforts, getting out there, taking risks etc instead of just waiting, dreaming and hoping.