I’ve been seeing my T for 2 years and I generally feel like the work we do helps and makes an improvement to my life.

It seems that I have C-PTSD after childhood trauma and although I function ok most of the time, at least to the unsuspecting observer, sometimes I get overwhelmed by the constant anxiety and churning in my head caused by my own head and I have no energy to cope with anything beyond the basics of life without crying and wanting to run away to live on my own in a tree house in the forest.

T obviously wants to empower me to help myself, and today talked about teaching me to find some ‘internal space’ as I am feeling so squashed by all the stress and demands of the weeks ahead. This work would entail breathing exercises and other body observing and grounding exercises. He is fond of body-centred therapy and the work of Peter Levine who believes it is vital to treating trauma.

Sounds simple, right? Just breathing in a room with one other person. What’s scary about that? Turns out, EVERYTHING, and yet, I don’t exactly know why. I point blank refused, and despite trying to explain, I left the session angry with T and myself, and really wanting to terminate, although I won’t.

I do want a better life so why can I not just try something so simple to help myself?

Ideas I have about why i don’t want to do it:

• I feel self conscious
• I feel like I will do it wrong which would humiliate me
• I feel like a science experiment
• I feel like he doesn’t want to sit with me with my feelings - he just wants to fix me
• He becomes my teacher and I a pupil and it breaks the connection
• It feels like high school drama class -thus childish and embarrassing
• It’s too intimate
• I deep down think I am unfixable so what is the point in embarrassing myself
• He’s a man and I don’t want him even considering my reaction to my body even in this completely non-sexual way
• It makes me feel very vulnerable to do this in front of anyone that could watch me

It distresses me that I can’t seem to get over myself. It’s not the first time he has attempted to get me to do this sort of thing and I have refused.

Has anyone had similar struggles with bodywork and can share their feelings? I guess a part of me wants to know I am not the only person who finds the whole thing traumatic. My reaction just seems so over the top.