This is exactly what I was trying to ask. I don’t have a way with words and honestly the self confidence any longer. 15 years of this has been very difficult for me. I’m most definitely not the same person I was when I first met him. I am in counseling. He has not gone to individual counseling other than his psychiatrist that he was going for his ADD medication. There was a point in time I remember he came home from an appt and he said this new psychiatrist didn’t think he was just ADD but also bipolar. She wanted to put him on some medication, but Of course he said no. And he never went back to her. He actually has been off the adderall for a little while now because of the new psychiatrist in the office said his blood pressure was too high for her to rewrite the script. He hasn’t been back.

The last really big fight was a couple months ago. I wanted him to leave again. It was late and he went to his truck to sleep ( he also had too much to drink that night) he ended up coming back in the house through my back bedroom door as I had locked the other door to where he couldn’t come back in. I felt nervous and couldn’t sleep very well. He asked if he could sleep on the couch and I said ok. I stayed in my room, with the door open. The kids were asleep. He came into the bedroom not to long later and asked if he could lay in the bed. Reluctantly I said ok. I couldn’t handle it though, and left the room. I didn’t sleep at all. He was in the house and honestly that point I was scared. Later that morning he wrote me a note sitting in the kitchen. Telling me how empty he is, and it’s why he couldn’t do the things I needed him to do. Ultimately, he asked to stay. I agreed. From there it’s just day to day. He gives me a kiss almost every time he leaves for work and I’m in the house. I recently found out he’s told our 15 year old that he smokes weed.
I’m not ok with this. At all. But I’m afraid of how to bring it up to
Him for fear it starts yet another argument. This argument would somehow turn into something about how I do things wrong.
I don’t know for sure that my counseling is helping. Every time I do talk to my counselor I feel worse than I do better. My situation isn’t just easy to leave. I’m afraid for my kids and honestly afraid of what he could be capable of. ( not really saying violence, but his words cut a lot deeper than hitting) and he has made it clear that divorce will be nasty and he would try to take my kids from me. My oldest already hates me. He also blames me for all of our problems. I know he doesn’t see the whole picture, but he sees and hears enough. Mostly, how his father only complains when I tell him how something he’s done makes me feel. I have to go out of town for three days for work starting Sunday. This will be my first ever business trip, and honestly only my second time leaving my kids with my husband overnight. I actually fear going. Because I don’t know if he will say something to my kids, if he’s planning something, or what. The lack of communication leads me to always fear what he is thinking.