T wore a jacket he had worn two years ago. Last year he only wore a T-Shirt even in Winter.
I started by telling him about my trip home last Friday.
Possible trigger:
Somebody jumped in front of the train I was on. We shortly discussed where it had happened, I mentioned how whenever I was thinking about doing something like this, I felt like all the train tracks were very hard to reach. But in that location only a few bushes separated a small path from the tracks.
We couldn't leave the location for about two hours. I had always expected that I'd be very emotional if something like this happened, that it'd trigger me. But it didn't at all. I made some small talk with people near me. One woman mentioned how "one can't possibly imagine what it must feel like to think about suicide, let alone go through with it". Was kind of weird, I just sat there and nodded, but thought something like 'uuuh, I can perfectly well imagine, actually'. Some people were upset that they'd be late. I told T that I later made a small estimation of how many people were on that train, which came out to be around 1000 people. He was surprised about that.
Then I told him how after I got off the train after a few extra hours, I went by the engine. I was surprised about the smell, people always say it's bad, but it actually wasn't, it just smelled weirdly sweet. T kind of chuckled at that, not as if it were funny, rather as if he agreed with it but didn't want to tell me about his own experiences (he used to be a surgeon so he has probably seen his smelled his share of dead bodies).
I said I was a bit upset by the fact that they forgot to clean of some small parts. Not because I saw ripped up skin, I was prepared for that when going there. But it felt like nobody cared that someone had just killed themselves.
He said how I probably looked around even before on the train and nobody showed any emotions. And then I concluded that they don't feel anything. But just because others don't show their emotions doesn't mean they don't have them. That a lot of people just don't show them. He said it's just like if somebody looks at me in an angry way, it doesn't mean they hate me and want me to leave forever. I asked why people don't show their emotions, since I feel it's not beneficial to suppress them. He answered that's a good question, that often people don't want to show them because they think they'll appear weak. And that everyone reacts differently in such a situation, how probably it would be best to all talk together, having all had the same experience just a short time back. But everyone's different. He also said that the police and all those people who had to investigate or see the situation, they all were probably very affected by it.
He mentioned that this was a pretty far-reaching experience. I said it wasn't really that bad, I was more just interested. Since this is the kind of thing I think about most often, it kind of attracted me.
We went quiet for a while, then I mentioned having seen my new doctor this morning. She agreed to continue referring me to my T so I could see him. T: "We almost thought that she'd say that!" I replied: "You maybe did, I didn't!" He laughed. I also mentioned starting my job only in February now and asked whether I could still see him twice a week in January. He said yes.
He said things seem to be going okay at the moment. I agreed with that, since now can relax and since that doctor has agreed to me seeing my T. He answered it seems this still stressed me out. I replied that she could have just said I couldn't see him anymore! He told me that no doctor would do that. I said there's bad doctors out there too. I told him about one time I was at the doctor's with my mom, I was around 13 years old. I kept getting sick and throwing up in the morning, so we wanted to check that out. The doctor took a book from his shelf, read in it for a while, then said he had no idea what was wrong with me and told us to leave. When we were walking out, I told my mom: "Did you see, that guy has the same book as we do at home!" T laughed again. Then he asked why it bothered me that guy consulted a book, isn't that what good doctors do? I agreed, but said if the book doesn't tell you anything, then the doctor shouldn't just say they don't know. He should do tests or something. I even knew at the time that this was happening since I was so stressed. T said maybe the doctor thought it wasn't too bad, feeling a bit sick from time to time. I got a bit upset and asked whether he thinks throwing up once or twice a week is healthy. He said he hadn't realized it was that often and involved throwing up. Then he said but at least the doctor was honest and told you he didn't know. To that I said that he should have given me recommendations for people who could figure out what was wrong. He shouldn't just send me away.
T said how doctors often do that, they do all these tests and can't figure out anything that's wrong, so they tell the patient everything's fine. But the patient still doesn't feel well. Often that for examples with panic attacks, where people think they have heart attacks instead.
He said how he's on purpose arguing with me about this. He said we're trying to think about what this guy might have thought such that I don't always just jump to bad assumptions about people.
Shortly after that, we confirmed we'd see each other on Friday and then said good bye.