T appointment yesterday. I had a mental list of things I wanted to talk about: sui feelings last week, how long its been since I've sh-ed (5 weeks) and how it is getting harder not to and how I usually break down at about 50 days, hallucinations, Christmas holidays, and how I've been coping. We got through the list which was good. She's really proud of me for the five weeks which makes me feel ridiculously good. It's weird, but positive feedback from others helps me not engage in that behavior. Once I had friends text me everyday for two months and I was able to not SH during those two months but of course after a while people have their own lives and can't continue that level of support which is fine. I was glad she was proud of me. T3 had accused me of manipulating her or something like that when I wanted her to be proud of me from abstaining from SH. It was a weird reaction so I'm glad this T didn't have that reaction and she was very positive about it.
She was glad that I talked to the PDOC about the hallucinations, and the PDOC isn't concerned which makes me not concerned so I'm happy about that. She said that if I have more that I need to tell him though. (I'm talking about auditory hallucinations. I get visual hallucinations but those don't bother me all that much usually, unless I'm really unwell, but the auditory ones do bother me a lot.)

We talked about what coping mechanisms I'm using to help me with the depression, sui thoughts, not SH-ing etc. After I talked about what I have been doing, she said I have a really good attitude, that I'm very positive and relatively stable. (I questioned her on that one because I don't feel relatively stable.) But what does "relatively" mean? So this was the first time I had disagreed with her and said so to her in session--which is really big for me because I don't usually disagree with people aloud, even if I disagree with them in my head. So, I deduce, I must be feeling safe enough with her to disagree with her. She said that when she said relatively stable, she meant, I wasn't reacting or acting out in violent or inappropriate ways, or bizarre ways. That yes, I SH which is a problem, but I'm taking steps to deal with it and those steps are productive and positive. I thought she was a little off course here because I have never reacted or acted out violently or anything like that. But I guess she was comparing me to her case load which may include people who do those things. She talked about breaking windows, etc. That's definitely not me. But I could see where she's coming from when she said, "relatively" stable. My mood is not stable but my behavior is relatively stable. I can keep myself safe when I feel unsafe. I will either let my parents know, or I go to the hospital or whatever. That was a good discussion to have. Even though I still sort of disagreed with her, I could see her point and I got what she was trying to get across. It also normalized some of my behavior.
We talked about Christmas and the people I've lost this year that will make the Christmas holidays more difficult. We talked about how my routine will be messed up during the holidays and what I have in place to deal with that. I'm very routine oriented. I need things to be relatively the same everyday. It helps me be stable. I'm going to my sister's for the holiday and that is always stressful being around my brother-in-law especially, and the five children but not as much. I'm just not overly used to being around children. I have a trip this weekend, and Disneyland on Monday so a lot of different stuff happening that can throw me off.

I was worried about this appointment because it had been a month since I've been to Therapy which I'm still getting used to, after 10 years of going once a week. I talked to her about how sad I am that my former T isn't my T, that Thanksgiving was hard because of that and how I anticipate Christmas being hard because of that. She took me talking about my former T very well I thought.
I gave her a Christmas card which she thanked me for and really seemed to appreciate. She wished me a very merry Christmas, and I told her I would see her on the 2nd. Also she commented on my little stuffed animal that I bring with me to therapy. She said it's so realistic (it's of a little hamster). She said something when I was leaving, and I said, "See ya later." It was a good session overall. Thanks to anyone who reads all of this. Kit.