Had an ok day today. Met my new student, it went well with him. He had a good day for the most part. He’s a behavioral kid, not a physically or developmentally disabled kid so it’s different than what I’ve done in the past at this school. It’s a nice change. His behavior is not violent, just quirky. Like he’s obsessed with going to the office and calling his mom. He hates school. He goes to the bathroom too often and he vomits intentionally in the hopes that the nurse will send him home. Stuff like that. I can handle all that. If he were violent I wouldn’t be able to deal.

The day is just dragging today though. I just want it to be bedtime already. I wish I could skip forward to Saturday. That’s when I’m seeing RS again. Although I’m starting to get freaked out. I like him so much already. I’m afraid I will fall in love with him and then somehow he will disappear. Either by choice or by death. I killed my husband with my mental illness. If I hadn’t been so Ill he wouldn’t have gotten addicted to drugs to deal with it. He wouldn’t have overdosed. Whose to say it won’t happen again? It’s so much safer to be alone. No chance of getting hurt. And no chance of hurting someone else.

I guess it’s something I have to talk about in therapy. She doesn’t know that I think I killed my husband. No one knows, because they would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and it’s not true, when I know it is.

I don’t know. I’m just scared. I don’t want to kill or drive away another one. Even though in the past 3.5 years I’ve had 2.5 years stable (intermittently) I just know this illness can read its ugly head at any time. My husband couldn’t handle it, I don’t think anyone really could.

Sigh. Thanks for letting me talk. I have no one IRL to voice these concerns to. I know you all won’t judge me.