So..........how do you "really" feel?

Only a nut case would try to joke with someone feeling so bad, so for the possible offense, I'm sorry, but on the off chance that the corners of your mouth briefly twitched upward, you're welcome.

Sweetie, this is the ride. Part of you knows this. Part of you is pushing it away like some one trying to keep the rising tide off of the beach with a broom. (and meeeting with as much success, yes?)

You hit the nail on the head in a sense when you say, "I don't even know what my problem is." You have a hunch though. Some of us can't cross the threshold of capitulation without the breakdown. Myself for one. No judgement coming from me, I hope you can hear that. But we do have the opportunity to short cut the process by surrendering to our need for help. But that means different things to each of us. Some can plod through their jobs effectively enough to sort it out with a dr., T, or whatever and keep things going. Some need to sever everything for a time, and then see what works after the monster has truly been identified. Is this making sense? You can't get anywhere with the hit and miss thrusts and parries that you have descibed. And it won't go away. I hate trite phrases but there is so much truth in finally becoming sick and tired of being sick and tired. We say we are, sure, but when we truly are sick and tired of it, we do something different, we surrender, we get help, we stick with it, we enter a state of full capitulation with it. Then some measure of healing can begin.

It's good you're posting, and i'm not expressing impatience with you at all; I'm counting on the past communicating we've done to allow me to be direct without offending. Hope I'm right in that because i've really grown to like you. Seems like we can all use a nice fresh air blast of honesty sometimes.

It's amazing what we can let go of in order to save ourselves. Nothing is as bad as it seems when you are anticipating change. Going through it is never the horror we imagined.

Glad to see you again. Sorry you're hurting. If I was the hugging type, I'd probably put one here, but i'm too squirrelly for that i guess. LOL.