The first part is what my phone saved from I believe Monday, I vaguely remember this :
**** this all.. yes, **** it all..
I dont understand... some times I do but today I don't.. so for a big chunk of my life I've been right there with "what's the root problem "... and I guess I am just really realizing again, one of my root problems is my brain, I can't undo this...

I see a general doctor tomorrow... going in for a wellness visit. .. I don't think there's any reason to talk to them... I'll have to find a t on my own, I probably should
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This is right now when I want to preview to read it:
I went and saw a general doc on Tuesday, havenot seen one for a while now , she is nice.. doing regular exam things... I told her of what three pdocs have dx me with, all consistent with three diagnoses which one a type of bipolar (rapid cycling.. and when i debated that with one she said she still put NOS if not rapid cycling)..

general doc was good to talk with, really encourage me to get back into counseling @ least... she mentioned she'd find more info on a blood test that can assist with what meds may be a fit for me. Because I am big on not wanting to be a guineapig and I am sorry for that ...just what I've tried made my paranoia worse where I was locking myself in rooms.. but my depression I feel maybe getting worse as I get older.. and my bank account the last few months, I am ashamed of myself.
she talked with me on MIs -- I get it, understand what and why diagnosis are needed for help of treatment - had even finished her thoughts on it.. but.. just when it's me, I am not those things, I am me.. a part of me is like "this is just life".

If I can be honest dont want to lose when I feel love everywhere and every thing is great and I am very productive.. I love me when I am there.... idk, some days I don't think they ((pdocs)) are right, ... but I then i flip to sui thoughts.. my angry or my voice being mean to me or just really down self thoughts ((depression i get it -i guess)).

some times I wonder if the diagnosis are wrong.. well not the PTSD understand why that keeps getting put on me., some times I wonder if I am just so low on self esteem ... and like I've said the last two years or more... there is that thought some times - that my manic or hypomania or whatever it is-- isn't as bad as my mom's or brother's... I learned so much from them.. and my dad.

The genral doc on Tuesday asked about manic .. idk tbh .. sure maybe to some.. my ex thought so at times... of course never the times I wanted sex all the time though.
It's very confusing for me, ... and yet I am the one that brought up the suspicion of me being bipolar ((first docs verbally told me no, but had written in my chart I found out later)).
Just makes me feel even more leery of doctors, but I've been upfront with how being honest with me really goes along way.
Been up and down this week... idk if it'll stop or if it ever did