First, I told my T I had realized two more things regarding my doctor's visit on Wednesday. One was that there's a few special characters in our language that you can capitalize on the keyboard by pressing caps lock. T apparently didn't know, since he did it wrong in a report to my doctor, which I received since I received all my medical documents. I said something along the lines of 'you know you can capitalize those, right?' and he said he always had trouble with it and couldn't be bothered to google it. I told him to 'press the key that capitalizes all letters' and he said 'oh, the ca... ca... ca...' until I helped him out and told him it's called caps lock.

The second thing I realized was that I had been kind of irritated by one of her questions. T asked what it was. I said she asked about self harm. He said she probably had read that in his report, but I said that couldn't be since then she would have already known that I do it. She probably just read the diagnosis. And that bothered me as well, first she asked whether he told me at all about my diagnosis and then kind of whispered 'borderline' as though it was a horrible thing to say. He said some people set BPD and self harm equal. That she was probably just interested. He asked whether the question had been too intrusive. I said yes, and he said he would have felt the same way. How you might show normal wounds to a doctor, but if they are coming from mental issues it makes things more complicated. It's very intimate to talk about and I barely even know the doctor.
I for some reason also told him about how I upset her a bit.
He asked me what I could have done in that situation instead of answering with the truth, if I had realized the question bothered me earlier. First, I said I could say that I didn't want to answer, but T thought that was quite harsh. Then I suggested saying that I do it, but it's not that bad (we also discussed that she might have been worried that I'd need stitches all the time). He told me that I didn't want to share anything about it, so I shouldn't. I couldn't come up with anything else, so he suggested to just say I didn't want to talk about it.

He then said something about changing doctors being a part of me moving away from the city I grew up in. That triggered me a bit. I got worried he'd leave me. So I sat there and became sad. He asked me what was happening for me, so I told him I felt sad and also that I couldn't close my eyes since then I experienced too many memories coming up.
He told me that he thinks I can manage to not get sad or have memories. That upset me, so I started crying. Probably with a really painful expression on my face since he asked me what was hurting me so much. I answered that it was upsetting to hear I shouldn't be sad and that I felt like he didn't want to talk to me anymore or have me share anything. He replied that of course I can be sad in his room. But that I could change how I react to being sad, how I regulate. He also said it can happen that he's too harsh and I'm allowed to say when that's the case. I continued crying and he offered me a tissue. We discussed how people can contradict themselves and how it was probably confusing me to hear from him that I should not be sad and at other times hear that I should let myself be sad. He also wanted me to focus on my being angry and to feel that emotion but also let go of it.

After a while I managed to look at him, which he seems to most of the time take as a hint to end the session. We scheduled for next week, after that I left.