HWMNBN asked "how did things end up?" or something, and I responded, "well, my mom is visiting and I feel pretty tightly wound." And he said that what he'd actually been asking about was an email I'd sent him earlier in the week about

Anyway. Then he asked me what I had for the agenda. He said he wanted to talk about the date I'd been on, which was no surprise to me since he has this thing about wanting me to be in touch with the fact that I'd like to be in a romantic relationship (though the prospect also scares the bejesus out of me, in part b/c I am so effing sick). I said I wanted to talk about my mom's visit. He asked me to pick which to start with and I said we ought to start with the dates (in my mind b/c I wanted to get that out of the way. God, I hate talking about dating with him.).

I told him about how I went on a date last Saturday, during which the guy proved himself to have a very specific agenda (that being to get in my pants). I told HWMNBN that once I'd figured that out I politely but firmly left, to which HWMNBN said, "good for you" or something. He also, amusingly, said a shocked/empathetic, "I'm sorry" several times while listening to my story about this very persistent guy... a few months ago he said something along the lines of, "guys will say a lot of things to get sex" which struck me as odd somehow, I suppose since he himself is a guy (and is not *that* much older than me--maybe 10 years give or take). Anyway, I also told him about the other date I went on which was much nicer--dinner and drinks with a very irreverent and funny guy who is getting his PhD in engineering--and HWMNBN seemed pleased. I said that the nicer guy and I are planning to go to a jazz club next week. He asked, "did he initiate that?" and I said yes and he seemed pleased again. (I was a tiny bit insulted by that question, I suppose b/c it makes me wonder if he thinks I am socially incompetent and a terrible date... but whatever.) Anyway he said, "that sounds like the kind of guy you should be involved with. A kind person, who is a bit of a nerd--sorry if that's offensive to you [I laughed and said, "not offensive, just accurate"]--who is looking for an actual relationship rather than just someone to be physically intimate with." I agreed.

Then we got to talking about my mom. She's visiting and is like interrogating me about my depression (she herself works in the mental health field). I keep telling her I don't want to talk about it (e.g. "Mom, I love you, but I don't want to talk with you about this," "Mom, I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't have the emotional energy to deal with your reactions to my mental health struggles.") Her questioning feels intrusive to me... somehow feels like it's less about me and more about her need to enact the good caring mother, more about her need to tell me about her own response to my mental illness ("your father and I were devastated"), more about her wanting to tell me about her own suffering ("I have depression and fibromyalgia and know what it's like to have a lifelong chronic illness"). I was trying to relay this to HWMNBN, about how I feel and about how I wonder if the problem is really my mom or really me. I was also trying to explain how the fact that my parents think that I'm a bad daughter makes me feel essentially bad (even though cognitively I don't believe that to be the case). He, of course, took it to a BPD place and was going on about identity diffusion (e.g. "if my mother thinks that I am bad, then I am bad") which is not how it feels to me b/c I am only like this with my parents and I feel like everyone has a complicated and often regressive relationship with their parents... but whatever. I was trying to figure out how to feel less bad about it. He kept saying that, like, it's okay for me to continue to believe what I believe (e.g. that I am a bad daughter) but that I ought to introduce some doubt into that thought. Also he said that it seemed pretty obvious from the way that I talk about my parents that objectively this is their fault not mine. Still, that didn't feel very satisfying to me b/c what I want is to feel differently about all this.... when he asked me how I felt talking about the stuff with me mother I said I felt hopeless and he seemed surprised for some reason. I was also angsting about how stupid it is that what I want, desperately, is to be cared for and held... but I won't tell my mother about my problems and I don't want her to touch me (like, when she touches me I stiffen automatically before I can make myself not do it... and she's always bugging me to give her a real hug or whatever).

We were just about out of time (actually a bit over time) when he asked how it had been talking with him. I said that it felt a bit unsatisfying, as I often wish that I could come into therapy and feel better afterwards, and that did not happen this hour--it felt like we were in a very cognitive place, rather than an emotional one. He said something like, "you often come here wanting some form of holding from me, is that right?" I said yes, that's what I tend to want. He said that if that is what I want, I ought to say that. I argued that I am not sure if what I want is the same as what I need, that perhaps the thing that I want (emotional containment) is not the thing that will make me better in the long run (who the hell knows what that might be). (I don't bloody know if this is the case or not--I am not any kind of expert in this stuff. But it gets into all this business about whether therapy ought to be a place where needs are fulfilled vs discussed etc etc etc.) He asked me to explain, and I was having a difficult time (I often clam up in therapy with HWMNBN)... and eventually I said, "well, I don't know--if you let a five-year-old choose what to eat for dinner, he'll end up eating ice cream night after night, and then he'll end up missing a whole bunch of vital nutrients. Sometimes the things we want and the things we need are not the same." His response to that was that if what I want has a regressive component to it, then whatever we'll explore it (which was not the point I was trying to make, but okay sure). He also said, "you know that I'm not going to hold you, right?" to which I said promptly, "yes." (This also perplexed me a little b/c I thought we were talking about, like, holding in the Winnicottian sense... I can understand why he would say that explicitly, if not only b/c clarity is a virtue (teehee) but also because I once told HWMNBN how my former pdoc sort of screwed up on that front, and with former Ts I have wished that they would give me a hug or even hold me. Even still, a tiny little part of me wanted to scream, "I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME DUDE I JUST WANT YOU TO BE NICE TO ME FOR LIKE 45 MINUTES A WEEK.") He followed that up with a lot of, "nothing is going to happen so it's safe to explore it" stuff, and also "we're never going to understand this unless we can look at it from the inside." The point that I was trying to make was that I oughtn't ask for something if I don't think it is the thing I need, regardless of whether or not it is regressive or appropriate or possible... but whatever. I told him that I would likely need help asking for what I want/need, and he said that was okay.

Anyway, I was late for group so I left.

Damn this crap is exhausting.