Hey T,

I thought about it a bit more. I think you're right, that we ought to talk about how what I want most from therapy is to feel held and contained.

[Just for the record, I don't have any desire for you to physically touch me, and never have. I know that isn't on the table anyway for, like, six million reasons, but just thought I ought to make that clear. I'm not totally sure why I have wanted that from some previous therapists (as well as other people in my life who inhabited pseudo-parental roles-- professors/bosses/etc.) but don't want it from you. It isn't just gender, though that does make the "eff no" factor that much more intense... I think it might be that I still don't entirely trust you to take care of me without saying something that will make me feel worse, or that you're only like 10 years older than I am? Unclear.]

So I think I'm going to have to ask you to keep me accountable to talking about that. At the end of today's session I said, "I'm going to need help" regarding talking about what I want and need. But you seem the type who would prefer for me to ask you for help rather than telling you I need help (I dunno if it's about Being Vulnerable With Your Therapist or Being Able To Ask For Help or maybe just this infinite power struggle we seem to be in). So I'm going to try to remember to do that. I suppose I could email you right this second so that I don't have the option of forgetting or chickening out but I dunno I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to.

-c