I'm cranky.



Where to start. I don't even know why I am bothering to make this post, because I am not really looking for anything in particular, I just want to dump all of this out in the hopes that it doesn't make me as depressed and cranky as I have sort of been the last couple of days.

First, the oh-so-responsible ex.

ARGH.

Well, when I got home, I emailed him to let him know about the baby. He was all happy and excited and "couldn't wait to meet him". Ok, fine, wonderful. Well, I might have mentioned that he is pretty much homeless right now and surfing from couch to couch.

Since then, he wasn't getting back to me at all, and I began to wonder. Well, he has dissapeared on me and hasn't touched base in over a week. Last I heard he went to the next town over from where he stays normally and that was it. Even our friends haven't heard anything.

I know he has been online, because I saw that he checked his facebook. What's odd is that I usually email him through another site we both frequent, and he hasn't gone on there at all. Which is odd, because he usually does anytime he goes online. Now the thing about that is, I know he knows that I would know (hows that for alot of knowing eh)he was online via his account on that site, because it tells you the time and date the person was last on. Makes me wonder if he is avoiding it so I can't know if he is online. Who knows, maybe I am paranoid. Well, rightfully so. I have his fricking kid. I mean, (god/whatever forbid) what if something had happened to Jeremy? What if Jeremy suddenly needed, I dunno, a transfusion or something from a blood relative, and I couldn't do it? Or what if he was sick? A baby's first days are the most delicate and anything can happen..anyways, I know I am probably just inventing situations but it just pisses me off.

And the other thing about it is that HE KNOWS I have an affidavit he has to sign regarding the babys last name. I told him that in my first message. We had decided the baby would have his last name because I sure as hell wasnt giving him my dads last name that i still currently have.
People keep telling me to get a lawyer, but for what? He is homeless, and doesn't work. Will he work in the future? Probably, for a couple of months. He is trying to clean himself up. And I support him in that. I wouldn't want to chance chasing him off by going through all that court stuff right off the bat. To be honest, I would rather see him be some part of the kid's life, even if it is a small part, than to try and sue him for money which I wouldn't get anyways and scare him off. Well, I don't know if it would scare him off, but he is just at a fragile point... No, hell why am I making excuses? Blah.

And next.

My mother.



Ok. Where the heck to start with this one.

So, most of you know the convaluted history of my mother. Or, some of it at least.

Well, she did ok (or I didn't notice) in the delivery room when I had the baby. Moreso I suspect I just didn't notice her.

Well, before I gave birth, she promised to stay with me over night the first couple of weeks. Well the day we were coming home she kept talking about the stuff she had to do at her apartment when she got home that night, so I said i thought you were going to stay with me. Well, she said she never said that, and that she had baking to do, and cleaning, and had to work the next day, and needed her sleep as she had to work for a whole seven hours (she cleans a local guys house) and that it was alot of work.

So the complaining began.

I ended up spending the first night alone, and I did fine. In fact I have been alone every night, thankfully Jeremy is a great baby.

Anyways back to what I was saying.

The deal was she would come over every day to help me, make my meals and tidy up while I was recovering from childbirth and taking care of the baby. Which, she mostly does. BUT...

Every time she gets over here, it is nothing but constant complaining about how much work it is to come over here and help (she lives one duplex over, just so you know) and how she has to walk ALL THE WAY OVER HERE(a whole, 20 feet maybe) and how she has to rest for her one day of work so she is not tired..

And then the complaining about how I live my life. She gets over here, and tells me I shouldn't have certain lights on ( I leave my kitchen light on so I can see at night and don't trip if I get up to get something - I get very stiff in the hips at night and don't want to fall) then she complains when she finds out I ate all of something in the fridge. That leads to "God girl take it easy on the <insert food here>, I can't afford more when you run out, I can't be paying for all of this all the time. I have bills to pay, and I am barely making any money(she makes more than I do).Then, when she brings something over to eat, and I don't finish it, she gets mad at that too. "you better eat that soon, don't waste food, I put alot of work into making that for you..." Nag, nag nag nag.

Then there is the paranoid ideals. I live in a town of a thousand people. I know who EVERYONE is. I forgot to lock the door at night once, and the next day I got a three hour lecture about how I and the baby were going to eventually end up murdered because of it if I didn't stop being so foolish. Well, yes, I should lock the door, but I highly doubt we are going to end up murdered if we forget once in a blue moon.

Oh, and then there is the pile of papers on the floor a foot from the heater. Well, as soon as she saw THAT, i got a half hour lecture about how we were going to burn to death, and did I know what it was like to watch a friend burn to death, because she certainly had(she watched a house burn down with a friend in it when she was a little girl - she didnt see the person burning) and so I had better be careful or else the same thing would happen to me.

Then, it was if I left the kitchen light on, it was going to short out and cause a fire and burn us down.

When i leave lights on for too long, even if I am in the room , she tries to tell me to use nightlights instead unless I am reading or need the light, because "she is not paying my power bill if its high", even though I have explained to her my bill is on a budget with the company and can only ever be 83.00 because of that.

Then the cell phone. She keeps telling me not to use it too much, then calls me all day and racks up the minutes.

Plus the other day I had just gotten the baby to sleep and she went and picked him up and woke him up. GRRR. Plus when I change him, she makes jokes about "I can see the little horse in the barn"(his genitals) and that makes me SERIOUSLY uncomfortable. I know she doesn't probably mean anything major by it, but.. with my past history(which she also doesn't beileve) it just triggers me off and makes me very uncomfortable.

Ok. Next.

Today I was looking at pictures from the scene I used to be in in the city and it made me miss all my friends. I really have no friends in this town anymore my age, because everyone has moved away. And the more I thought about it the more I just got this dejected feeling like my life is going to end up being the same thing all the time. And then I felt bad, because I should be absolutely happy enough with just the baby right? And now I feel guilty for even wanting more than what I have in the first place. Don't get me wrong, the baby is EVERYTHING to me. I just wish I had some friends to visit me and stuff.

Ah, hell. I just haven't been feeling very up and up the last couple of days. Perhaps a touch of the baby blues. I am keeping an eye on it, want to be sure it doesn't become PPD(postpartum depression) but for now it doesn't feel all that extreme.

Sigh. If you lived through this whole thing, then I stand in awe of you, lol. Thanks for reading if you did.