I am sorry you are questioning your spirituality>? I struggle with understanding my own too. Trusting God is not the same as understanding the existence of God, and learning to trust. As with anything, the more something is practiced, the more that is gained. Maybe try a different setting, time of day, or technique. I can't take it when watching someone try the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Not saying that is what you are doing, but am reminded of why I shake my responsibilities and regress into OCD tendencies. Thank you for the reminder. I will continue to practice mindfulness