Warning, this is really long, and I still feel like I left stuff out.
Bonus T session yesterday. He retrieved me, and I had trouble looking at him as I walked past and sat down. He was wearing his glasses--he's usually in contacts. After I sat, I realized the sun was streaming onto my face and asked if he could close blinds up there, and he did. Then a few minutes into session, the sun had shifted, so I asked if he could close the next one, too (he did). T: "Ah, you're a two-blind client." Me: "I guess so."

I started crying and picked up the box of tissues and put it next to me, noticing it was almost empty. Covering my face with my hand/a tissue, I said that I felt bad about things. T: "What do you mean?" Me: "What I'm expecting of you. It's not fair for me to expect you to share that stuff about your son." I forget what he said to that.

Me (still hiding face, unable to look at him, which is unlike me): "And some of what you said in the email bothered me. Like what you said about the 'narrative,' like I'd just made up some story out of nothing. But it wasn't from nothing. If I'd told you what ex-T had said about you're son, and you'd said she was wrong, then I'd have just put it out of my head, and it would have been nothing. But you didn't."

T: "I'm not saying if what she said was correct or incorrect." Me: ??? T: "She shouldn't have said anything at all." Me: "I know. But she did. And then you didn't say it was wrong. So I assumed it was accurate." T: "Again, I'm not going to say whether it's accurate or inaccurate, just that it was 8-year-old information." Me: "OK." T: "I guess I'd almost put it out of my mind that you'd told me. Because you hadn't brought it up. And until you were talking about it yesterday, I hadn't realized how much it played into things for you."

Me: "Yeah, I guess...I never really mentioned it since then. But I just assumed it was true. So when you were talking about things with autism...I assumed it was partly coming from your personal experience. In additional to professional. I guess it felt like you understood. That it was...I don't know, a connection we had." T: "I can understand that, where it felt like we were going through the same thing, maybe kindred spirits in a way?" Me (crying): "Yes...like that. Like...you were talking to me not just as a therapist but also as a fellow autism parent. And maybe like...I don't know, almost like you might possibly have been getting something out of having that shared experience with me, too. Or something. I don't know."

T: "I get that. But do you feel that someone needs to have experienced the same things as you to understand and feel empathy?" Me: "I guess not. I mean, with ex-MC, with him saying early on that he also had an anxiety disorder, it made me feel like he understood me more. While with ex-T, she seemed all pulled together, so I figured maybe she was less likely to understand me. And I guess I thought the same about you, but then with your son..."

T: "OK. I obviously haven't had all the same conditions and experiences that my clients have." Me: "If so, you'd probably be on a lot of meds..." T: "Right. But I have almost 20 years of talking to people about their experiences. Plus my training. So I feel like I have an understanding of most all of those experiences. That I get it. Without necessarily having to have experienced it myself." Me: "OK, that makes sense."

T: "Plus, if it was something I experienced myself, that can be more different, because I'd be seeing it partly through the lens of my experience rather than just the client's. Say, for example, back surgery. I haven't had back surgery, but if I had, and a client came in who was going to have it, I'd likely be thinking of my own experiences with it and talking about that instead of focusing completely on my client's experience with it." Me: "OK, I see. And I think maybe that was an issue at times with ex-MC and my anxiety."

T's son came up again. I said in a way...it reminded me of the stuff with ex-MC's wife (who I figured out--via a mix of something I overheard, something ex-T said, and a story ex-MC told--was sick), with the uncertainty there, with wanting to know more but ex-MC being reluctant to share, even though he disclosed about so many other things. How it was hard for me to know something was going on but I didn't have all the information. That I understood why he didn't tell me, but was hard.

T said with his son, he was concerned that if he did share about him, then, I'd be worried about him. And to be nice, I'd ask about him in session, and he didn't want me using my session time for that. Me: "It wouldn't just be 'to be nice,' it would be genuine care." T: "I know, that's what I meant, because you're a nice person, you would ask. I didn't mean that it wouldn't be genuine." Me: "OK." T: "Again, I'm not going to say whether he's on the spectrum or isn't." Me: "OK, I know."

Around that time, I pulled out the last tissue. T: "It's OK, they're included in the cost! You're on the Silver Plan here: unlimited tissues!" I said it was a good thing, as he walked across the room to get the other box, which he handed to me (he usually just lets me get them).

We shifted to talking about therapeutic relationship. He reiterated what he said in the email about how talking about it doesn't have to mean conflict, but that it just brings up emotionality and intensity. How I can talk about an emotional topic with him or, say, H, but if I'm talking about just my own experiences, or else an experience with someone else, it's still not going to be as intense as talking about the relationship with the person in front of me. T: "Like you talking to me about ex-MC could be very emotional for you, but it's not going to be as intense as you and I talking about us." Me: "OK, I think I understand."

I tried to explain the "contain" thing from the email. He said that made him think of a container, like, say, a beaker, where I might pour acid in it and just expect it to sit there, unaffected. But he wasn't going to be like that. I said it wasn't that I didn't expect him to react to things I said, more that I wanted him to deal with them on his own time, rather than necessarily with me. Me: "Like...if I got angry at you, maybe you'd feel anger in response, but you wouldn't yell at me." T: "That's what I meant in the email about responding therapeutically and safely. I wouldn't yell at you, but I might tell you how I'm reacting." Me: "OK." T: "Remember, one of my things is to help you understand how people in the outside world might react to things you say or do. If I don't let you know what I'm feeling, that doesn't help you with that." Me: "Yeah, I guess. I just get scared of your reaction and it makes me not want to share things sometimes. Like now." T: "It's always OK to talk about them. We've always worked through it before, right? We've gotten through it." Me: "Yes."

Me: "I guess just sometimes I wonder...therapy brings up a lot of turmoil for me. Like last night, I was awake in the middle of the night crying because I was upset about things with you. Had I not had a session, or I'd opted to talk about the dream instead, I likely would have had a good night's sleep. OK, not good night, as my D was awake, but a better night's sleep." T: "I haven't gotten the sense you've had as much turmoil regarding therapy lately, unless there's stuff you haven't been telling me." Me: "I guess...maybe I haven't told you all of it. Though there was the thing maybe a month ago where I called you because I was upset about you not saying 'I care about you.'" T: "OK, but it seems like since then, things have generally been calmer, and I sort of wondered what had changed." Me: "Well, until this." T: "Well, OK."



Me: "So I guess at times, I wonder...is it worth all the turmoil? Are the gains worth it? Is it all part of the means to get to the end? Or am I just causing myself additional pain?" T: "I can't answer that question for you." Me: "I know...I don't know how to figure out the answer. I mean, I think I've made progress lately. You even mentioned that yesterday in terms of relating to my friends." T: "Yes, I was impressed by that." Me: "But I don't know...I mean, I feel like I drink more on the days I have session, too. Maybe it's partly the topics, but...I feel like that can't be a good thing. I just don't know. And do I need a different T, or do I just need to take a break from therapy in general?"

T: "I don't know. There are a lot of warm and fuzzy therapists out there, if that's what you feel like you need." Me: "I don't know...I mean, at one time I thought I did...but wouldn't I probably just become really attached to them and not want to leave like with ex-MC?" T: "I don't know. But if you want to try one out, I understand." Me: "I don't know...because I also feel like you're helping me. Maybe I need an approach more like yours to make progress."

T: "And know that you don't have to worry about hurting my feelings if you want to take a break, either from therapy entirely or to see a different T for a bit. Remember, I'm not going anywhere. If you walk out the door, I'm not immediately throwing your file in the trash and shutting the door on you. You could come back whenever you would want whether for a longer-term or a single session." Me: "Thanks, I know. I just don't know what to do sometimes. And this would be a bad time to take a break with the holidays coming up..." T: "It's probably never an ideal time." Me: "Yeah...I'll think about it more."

Maybe then or at another point, he asked if this tended to be an issue with me with T's in general, and I said it had seemed that way, with ex-T and ex-MC. That there was a lot of turmoil with ex-MC. How I think some of it for me is dealing with the limitations of the therapeutic relationship. That it's a struggle for me. Wanting the connection and closeness, but then...I mean, I probably can't ever get what I'd want from that because of the nature of the relationship. So maybe would always be a struggle."

Also somewhere in there, we ended up talking about therapy clients (like, not his clients, just in general) with childhood trauma (I forget why). And T said the way I was talking about it, it sounded like I felt that other people's trauma made them more worthy of care than me. And that it bothered him that I seemed to feel my experiences weren't as important. Which felt caring to me.

It was 11:28. I feel like he gave me some sort of final thought, but I forget now what it was. Talked about scheduling, I said would just email him (I ended up canceling Monday and taking Wednesday instead of Thursday, but that's partly because I'm Christmas shopping with my dad Thursday and didn't want to be an emotional wreck).

Went over to pay. Me: "I guess you're charging me for the email..." T: "Yes, it took me some time." Me: "I wish in the future...maybe we could have some agreement that you'd only do a paid response if I asked for it explicitly?" T: "Well, other emails you sent me recently, I didn't get the sense you were looking for a longer response. But this one, i felt like you were." Me: "Yeah, I guess, but then sometimes you've offered me session instead before replying." T: "Maybe I should have done that in this case." Me: "We can discuss more next session. I"m fine with paying now, just for future." Shook hands, as T said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."

Bottom line: I feel OK about the session and about T. Not fabulous, not terrible. He seemed very caring and engaged throughout the session, like he was really listening to me. I'm not making any changes before the holidays (only seeing him once next week to make up for extra session--see, he doesn't get as much profit!!!) in terms of a therapy break, trying a different T, or continuing with my T, but will reevaluate after the holidays. I mean, not necessarily precisely on Jan. 2, but I'll be thinking about it.