I often struggle with routine change, too. I'm very unfond of holidays, especially Christmas/New Years because it's preceded so closely with Thanksgiving (when we always go to Florida), and both my husband's birthday and name day. It's all just too much for me sometimes. This year my husband turned 60 and his celebrations seemed to last for 10 days. He initiated all of it. Not me. Too many late nights lately, including tonight. Yesterday I was so stressed I daydreamed about leaving my husband, letting him have my SSDI payments, the house, and all its contents, and me living in a tent somewhere. Steps from running away.

I hate vacations that require a lot of time out and about or a lot of walking and moving from place to place. It's way too much for me. Last May, we had a rigorous vacation in Portugal. I became manic with psychosis in the end. During, I was hypomanic with occasional panic attacks. At one point, I lost it and a Portuguese housekeeper became frightened by my panic attack and called the front desk because of me. I was surely a scary sight. My husband had been seeking ice because I injured my ankle. Very often I injure myself when I become manic either because of irritability (weak word) or other similar situations when I'm distracted or ramming all over the place (leading to trips and other clumsiness), or taking crazy risks, like running down steep hills that lead to dangerous falls or jumping down several steps. One time I fell so hard that I injured my knees and arms and got a black eye. Other times I've punched walls injuring my hand. I've been so violent that I've pulled knobs off doors. That led to injury, too.

Basically, my life has to now be very laid back, low stress, and predictable. Too much "extra" or out of the ordinary is usually destabilizing for me.