It's no secret by now that I haven't had the best luck with women. I have trouble opening up to them and trusting them and I outright struggle with any type of intimacy. Heck, I have a hard enough time opening up to my male friends and it's even harder for me to open up with women when I've been hurt and abused by many women in my life.

I've been outright avoiding closeness with women for awhile now to protect myself from getting hurt again. I won't even say hi to a woman unless she speaks to me first and I avoid having to open the door for them (no I don't slam the door in their face but if I see a lone women walking up to the door I either pretend I'm going elsewhere or I choose a different door).

Anyways, they had this event up at the community college that I go to. It was a mental health related event where they had about 40 booths promoting everything from mental health centers to private therapists to alternative treatments. They also had a free hug booth. I was walking past the hug booth wearing my fake smile that I usually use to hide how messed up I am from the general public. Clearly they saw through it because one of the girls at the hug booth came up to me and gave me a hug. I felt sad almost to the point to where I wanted to break down and cry when I had to let go of her. She was a warm and nice person and her hair was soft and relaxing to touch. I felt sad almost all day after that moment.

I clearly crave connections with women but IDK how to get them anymore. I am too messed up to maintain relationships or even friendships. My life is in shambles and I have trouble even taking care of my basic needs half of the time so what woman would want somebody ****ed up like me?

IDK why I bother anymore.