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Originally Posted by SalingerEsme
First of all, I tend to like your T, and I am not being negative about him overall. I just don't think this is his shining moment
He keeps the focus too much on himself, what he will and won't do and it is defensive.
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I agree that this wasn't his shining moment.
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On the other hand, you were amazing, honest and vulnerable. I am keeping in mind it is him to whom you feel you can be so honest, and he is good that way.
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Thanks, I do feel I'm able to be more honest with him--including in person--than I was with ex-T or ex-MC. And that's something I really need to work on in outside relationships, so it's good that I can practice it in there.
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T: "I'm not saying if what she said was correct or incorrect." Me: ??? T: "She shouldn't have said anything at all." Me: "I know. But she did. And then you didn't say it was wrong. So I assumed it was accurate." T: "Again, I'm not going to say whether it's accurate or inaccurate, just that it was 8-year-old information."
This is why I think it is more an enactment than therapy- his final comment here should have been exploring you, what it all means to you. Instead he doubles down on his own issues.
There's no sense of the mystery of otherness here, the wonder of other people and the need to listen, explore, keep myriad theories open ended to learn experientially in this comment. He is really needing authority , even though you came in apologizing and trying to appease him by saying you asked for too much( which you didn't)
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I definitely think there's some sort of enactment thing going on here, like something from my past--but I'm not quite sure what specifically. I did mention that to him in session, how I thought maybe this was coming from someplace else and wasn't just about him. But he just sort of looked puzzled. I also think there's some transference and countertransference going on here--it seemed like the stuff about his son triggered him in a way. I mean, maybe it simply triggered his protectiveness as a parent, but it felt like something else.
In thinking about it more, I wonder if, in the conversation about autism in a recent session (Monday?) where I felt really close and connected to him--maybe he felt somewhat close and connected to me, too. And that freaked him out and caused him to pull back and be like "Maybe my son isn't on the spectrum after all." Because I definitely felt something different from him that day--like he wasn't fully being "Dr. T" in that session, that more of [T's first name] was coming out.
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T: "OK. I obviously haven't had all the same conditions and experiences that my clients have." Me: "If so, you'd probably be on a lot of meds..."
T: "Right. But I have almost 20 years of talking to people about their experiences. Plus my training. So I feel like I have an understanding of most all of those experiences. That I get it. Without necessarily having to have experienced it myself." Me: "OK, that makes sense."
Through this post, it is like role reversal- you are validating him, you are listening, you are putting his perceptions first over your own, and you are very insightful .
He is not validating, empathizing, intervening, exploring, attending etc.
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Yeah, he seemed a bit defensive there. I got his point--someone can be a good T and be understanding without having experienced every exact thing that a client has. But it also seems a bit arrogant to suggest he really understands those conditions/experiences, as he only knows what clients tell him--he's not in their heads. I'd almost prefer if he could be more like "I admit that don't understand everything, I want you to help me do that. And I'll do my best."
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T: "Plus, if it was something I experienced myself, that can be more different, because I'd be seeing it partly through the lens of my experience rather than just the client's. Say, for example, back surgery. I haven't had back surgery, but if I had, and a client came in who was going to have it, I'd likely be thinking of my own experiences with it and talking about that instead of focusing completely on my client's experience with it.
This is wrongheaded Imo. Substitute csa for back surgery. He is too uncurious, and too comfortable right here. You talk about SH and SUI- that is not a correlative of back surgery and is dismissive/ invalidating .
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I think he was intentionally NOT using a psychological issue/experience here, because he likely didn't want me to speculate on whether he had or had not experienced that particular thing. Because then I'd want to know more about it, most likely. There was another session where he made some comment like, "I'm not going to tell you what psychological issues I've personally dealt with" (I think this may have been in relation to me talking about ex-MC telling us in one of the first sessions that he had an anxiety disorder). So I don't feel he was being dismissive of my issues, more that he didn't want to use a similar example, so he was trying to go off in a different direction.