Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme
I think these thoughts privately, while also feeling compelled to remain and try. The phrase " constant negative reenactments of my early childhood" describes half of my therapy accurately , and the other half is a kind of joyous reunion and connection. It feels unhealthy, exhausting, but obsessive. My real life relationships are much more constant and safe. I get confused, but I do realize I project fear from early childhood on my T, which makes him sad- cycle.
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It's good that your real life relationships are constant and safe. I can understand, then, where exploring the other through therapy could be -- interesting, possibly helpful, no risk, no gain.
The problem for me, the situation I was in -- after my late husband died I did not have any relationships that were, really, constant and safe except for the trauma-bonded, enmeshed ones with my family (but only as long as I kept my real self out of them). I went to therapy to try to -- rebuild a life for myself, deal with issues I knew/felt were down there and which kept me from . . .what, I wasn't exactly sure.
So,. . .down the rabbit hole I went. . .found "myself" but she was unacceptable once again -- to the therapist -- who was my "world", my projection, my hope for the future, whatever that was. . .and it was devastating, unbearable, disruptive to my life, limited though that already was.
I would like to say, that I guess the lesson from my experience is that when that happens it can be important to find/have other social environments which are safer -- I found them here and in a support group IRL.
And a question also -- what was it that was "devastated"? And then, why do I want to share what I think is a lesson from my experience? I kind of have some answers, sorta maybe, but the questions are maybe more interesting?