Thanks missbella. I do realize that the way I talk about my challenges and dealing with them may not invite many people to relate/respond, but that is not a problem for me because I would not find more value in emphasizing pain more or complaining (and I don't often feel intense emotional pain other than anxiety) - I think this is just my authentic personality and how I also behave in everyday life. I do get more emotionally vulnerable with close friends and partners but that's about it, I don't have the desire to do that with anyone else. Again, part of why talk therapy did not (and would not) work for me in similar ways it does for many people. I did try to go at great length into my frustrations and struggles on another online forum in the past, in an addiction recovery community, and it was helpful back then but became excessive and people started to relate to me in ways that I did not find compatible and desired, so just stopped doing that style of communication.

On the "successes" - I really don't think my successes are above average by any means relative to my background, education, environment etc. I have been surrounded by people with very successful careers in my whole life and, if anything, that's exactly why I struggle with my motivation and patterns of getting things done, because many others around me seem way more consistent with it and I am in a system that pretty much expects it as well. That's exactly what I struggle to use as motivation, because I don't tend to feel inspired by external/conventional rewards to the extent I see from my peers. But, so far, I have chosen to still be part of those systems (e.g. academia) and so I keenly sense the discrepancies between that system and my own natural ways. I am well aware that many academics struggle in similar ways and many people actually leave academia for exactly this reason. I have considered that on/off throughout my career but am still in it. Just having a period currently when I am seriously evaluating, once again, how far I want to remain in all this. But then all the realistic and suitable work alternatives I can come up with, e.g. becoming 100% self-employed (I already have a part-time business) would not elude the motivation issue either, I think. I am also somewhat scared to give up my job security completely as well. So this is basically it. I am really fine with my personal life, relationships etc and don't think I should change anything significantly in those areas, have built a lifestyle for myself over the years that, I feel, is a very good fit, not overwhelming at all and can be quite rewarding. So it's basically a career dilemma. Perhaps I tend to have these intense dilemmas also because I have focused too much of my energies on my career. I actually use this message board to take short breaks from work most of the time. I have considered taking some time off work but it's not easy at this point because I have built up so many responsibilities in the past ~10 years.

As to regular self-care stuff, I actually tend to be quite good and consistent about that now (not so much when younger and especially while drinking heavily) and not obsessive/compulsive at all. I have a schedule for it but don't mind at all skipping non-essential parts at times when I don't feel like it. And don't have issues managing maintenance tasks like paying bills, taxes, keeping track of finances or other basic admin stuff, I am quite organized and don't wait for motivation to deal with that stuff, I just do it in a machine-like manner mostly.

So it is primarily around work/career for me and the existential angst I am prone to (not much about basics, more relating to my contributions and own satisfaction with what I do in my life). I guess it is because these have been the strongest focus of most of my life so far and sometimes borders on the addictive... no wonder I never feel it is enough, or good enough, and then I blame my motivation/effort when the outcome does not stand up to what I want it to be. I know very well this is a very ordinary problem for high-achiever types of people, as I said I have been surrounded by people like that in my whole life. Why I sometimes feel I should take a break, at least a sabbatical or something, not just from work but from my usual communities as well. This is also, in part, why I like a forum like this - so much more diversity than in my typical direct 3D life. I thing it would do some good for me to actually engage in other areas of society directly much more, e.g. do more volunteer work and socialize in different ways from what I am used to - to see it directly instead of just studying from a distance and participating in a wishy-washy way. I used to go to addiction recovery meetings but stopped even those a while ago.

I just realize that perhaps some members here talk about similar challenges to mine about communities, participation and contributions...