I am so ashamed. I have Bipolar 2 and don't remember ever doing this before. I have 20 inquiries on my credit report for trying to get loans. I now have 4 payday loans I have to pay off. Thank God it's not huge amounts. Maybe up to $1200 but huge enough. What's wrong with me. I needed the money but not this way. I hate myself for doing this. I've been trying to get on the right meds for years, even tried 14 ect treatments and they didn't work. I am now on Geodon for about 5 weeks and doing better. This impulse I went on was before Thanksgiving.

I'm on disability and work 2 part time jobs. I can't work full time due to anxiety and depression. The depression has been better but sometimes I go into PTSD mode like I am right now. I feel fearful, depressed, don't want to be here. I'm so tired of suffering and doing stupid things like this. The weather is gloomy which doesn't help although even sunshine doesn't help me sometimes.

I just had to talk to someone and get this out. I feel so alone. My boyfriend just left for work and sometimes my abandonment issues come out like right now. I have to calm down.