Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer
I told my therapist not long ago that when I was younger I had a tendency to be like Teflon. Things I didn't want to accept responsibility for would just roll off my back. But I later realized that that was not entirely true. Such acts of mine and their ramifications dwelled somewhat hidden in my brain. Though I didn't ruminate about them, the stress did eventually show itself in various ways.
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That's quite insightful. I'm not exactly clear where my resistance to accepting responsibility came from. This stress is something that preceded my first breakdown and contributed to it. I think at some level I didn't know how to be a decent human being. Life was just this chaotic soup I was struggling to survive in. I went from one catastrophe to another but managed to climb up in my career despite all setbacks, but I didn't gain much in terms of humanity till I learned in therapy how to cope better with the conflicts with my son and my part in all of that too. We have much less conflict now but everynow and then some of it leaks out.
My mind goes between thinking i am a horrible person to thinking that can't possibly be true.