I am very sorry you parents action/inactions did not reflect your intrinsic worth. I do feel this can have a lifetime effect.

I live with similar memories. My father was a very violent man, taking his rage out on others via overt physical and psychological abuse. We'd lived in a very volatile home. My mother eventually saw her way clear to divorcing him. He was still violent and, often, sadistic during court-ordered unsupervised visitation. I was very traumatized by his behaviors.

I still cringe if/when I see a picture of him or experience other reminders of him. (He eventually took his own life.)

While our experiences are similar they are not exactly the same, I understand. I, in no way, mean to minimize your suffering.
I think your dad specifically targeting you with his abuse must have been very traumatizing. That's an understatement. Words escape me.

Despite our histories and the trauma, I happen to think we are both decent people.


WC