Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin
I'm so sorry to read you also had a violent father. Of course that he was so and also committed suicide would continue to affect you to this day. Maybe that is one of the things that brings us together.
My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to my sister to, but never hit her. My mother protected my sister from that. I feel most let down by my mother. I didn't have a loving relationship with either parent. I didn't know what it meant to have a good relationship with another person until I started working on it with my son, and even then it is a work in progress.
I also think spending a lot of time alone can make one start to think that one is worthless. I do feel abandoned by society. I'm not part of the fast paced professional world any more and failed to make lasting friends in my life. I can start to have really angry thoughts and just want the whole world to rip apart to still my emotional pain. Fortunately I was never in to self-harming but can see how some peopel can get addicted to it.
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We all look to our parents to protect us. It had to be so very devastating to have your mother protecting your sister and not you, too.
I never felt I was as protected as most of my siblings. After their divorce, there was, as I have mentioned, court-ordered unsupervised visitation. Unfortunately, one of my brothers and I were my dad's "favorites." My parents would negotiate visitation by agreeing my brother and I would go with my father while others were able to stay safe(r) at home. I'd felt very betrayed. My brother and I were constantly placed in further jeopardy as a part of a "deal." (This kept my father from pursuing access to all siblings, so was seen as a reasonable "bargain." I'd had 5 siblings.)
My brother has passed on, before he had resolved much. He'd initiated talking with me about his inability to resolve the trauma on his death bed. This had truly devastated him and had messed up his life and his relationships, due to the extreme pain. We'd remained very close as adults and I still miss him every day.
I have chosen to work on trying to understand and to forgive my mother. it's been a lot of work. Fortunately, she has been relatively accessible and I have been able to work on this with her. Our relationship is healed enough now where she lives with me and my H. We help her with her many needs as she grows older.
I am sorry your mother has passed on. You have not had a chance to work on healing with her.
I whole-heartily agree that social isolation impedes our realizing our worthiness. We need others to assist by reflecting our worthiness back to us.
I am sorry the pain continues so immense.
I totally understand this. While there has been some healing in my life, the effects of the severe/ongoing trauma still haunts me.
I did not know whether to share or not. Yet, you have been courageous enough to share, which I do admire. I only hope that my sharing has, somehow, been helpful. I want you to know you are not alone. I know I feel less alone with my traumatic experiences (and the related effects) because of your openness.
Thank you for sharing.
My heart goes out to you, tecomsin.
WC