I always get diagnosed as depressed in therapy but im never really sure i agree. For instance when im really bad, for me, i can still have a good time and joke around but in the back of my head ill be plotting self destructive things. Now im really having fun as i laugh but in my head i know ive already lost and theres no hope for a positive future. It probably sounds nice compared to what some go through but its hard for me. I guess i feel abnormal even with depression. Do others do similar things like this?