Quote:
Originally Posted by LabRat27
LT:
I have no way of knowing if this is true for you, but it's something I'd be feeling, so I'm going to throw it out there in case it resonates with you at all, and if not feel free to totally disregard it.
My twin brother is on the spectrum. Because there's already a lot of stigma and misconceptions out there, I struggle to talk about it with people who don't get it. I worry about reinforcing their biases. I feel like I have to defend his behavior. I got so used to having to stand to for him and defend him with people who didn't understand that it's hard for me to acknowledge the ways in which it made things more difficult for me or to hold him accountable for his abusive behavior. I feel like I'm supposed to be more empathetic and supportive. It feels like people who don't have those experiences don't have the "right" to judge it in the way that people who "get it" do, and so I'm going to talk to them about it differently and interpret their opinions differently. Someone who "gets it" is "allowed" to say things that others aren't.
It's the same with ethnicity/cultural background. I feel a lot more defensive talking about how my father's ethic/cultural background and upbringing contributed to his worldview abusive behavior if I'm talking to a white person from a "Western" background."
If I'm talking to someone who "gets it" I don't feel as defensive.
If I later found out that the person might not "get it" I'd feel betrayed. I'd be upset and feel that I'd been misled into, for lack of a better word, thinking an outsider was an insider. I'd feel like I'd disclosed things under false pretenses.
Whether or not this applies at all, your feelings that you've described are understandable and the way you've addressed it is admirable. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation, and I hope eventually there can be a more satisfying resolution.
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Thanks for sharing this. It resonated a bit with me when I read it. I think you're right that, when I believed his son was on the spectrum, it made me feel safer talking about certain things, certain challenges. Because I figured he'd really "get it." There aren't too many people that I feel fully safe with in talking about certain issues with my D (like, her biting herself in frustration). So even though, yes, he probably has some professional knowledge about autism and how it can affect children, it still felt very different talking to him thinking he has personal experience with it (and I still suspect that he does...or at the very least with some sort of developmental delay or learning disability, like perhaps his son was initially misdiagnosed, or why would ex-T have thought was she did?).
I think there's also an element of...I felt connected with him when talking about this topic. I sensed something different from him. So now it's like I'm questioning that connection...which in turn is making me question any feelings of connection with him. And making me question my ability to trust him. Which I think is something I need to bring up today. I think I just need him to understand why this is affecting me so much. I'm not sure he fully got that on Friday--it's not just curiosity about his son or wanting to pry into his life or something. it's more than that.
It actually ties in some with the ex-MC stuff. In terms of the therapeutic relationship, boundaries, ability to trust, what's real vs. an act, etc. This may seem an odd comparison, but it makes me think a bit of when ex-MC said he wasn't planning on telling us that his wife had passed away (we already knew she was sick--I wondered about a sudden cancellation and something ex-T said when I mentioned it, so I looked up her name online and found her obituary). Especially with him being someone who disclosed so many things, it was like, he wouldn't have even told us about that? A major change in his life? Yes, I know, it's none of my business, and he was likely trying to keep his stuff out of our therapy...but it left me really questioning the relationship.
So, lots to think about. Thanks. And sounds like you're a great sister
