View Single Post
 
Old Dec 12, 2018, 11:55 AM
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
Always in This Twilight
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 22,028
T yesterday--moved a day earlier to deal with ex-MC rupture anniversary stuff--I'd emailed to say I was struggling, he offered earlier session and sent brief note of support (no charge!). Went back and sat down.

T: "So how are you doing?" Me: "Better than I expected to be. I actually got a fair amount of sleep last night. Your email helped some." T: "Good." T: "I'm guessing you haven't heard back from ex-MC?" (I'd emailed him Sunday evening about the rupture still affecting me). Me: "No. I figure he'll of course respond right after this session when I'm not seeing you til Monday..." (Note: he hasn't yet replied). T: "Do you hope he responds?" Me: "I think so...but I also feel like he won't give me what I want. So maybe it's better if he doesn't? I don't know..."

T: "Do you feel like you want to share what you wrote?" I pulled the printout from my purse and handed it to him. He got his reading glasses and read through it as I glanced awkwardly around the room. He said, "OK," and handed it back to me.

T asked what I expected from a reply. Me: "Like what do I want? Or what do I think I'll actually get?" T: "Sounds like those are different things." Me: "Yes. I mean...I want him to say something like 'I'm sorry I hurt you.' Not like, 'Sorry if this hurt you' or something conditional like that." T: "You want him to take responsibility for it. That can go a long way toward getting forgiveness." Me: "Yes. But I don't think he'll do that." T said it wasn't totally clear from my email what I wanted from him. And that I didn't give specifics as to what I felt he did wrong. I said I'd discussed those with him in person and over email more at the time. That I didn't feel I needed to reiterate them. T said OK, he didn't realize I'd been so specific at the time.

I said how before, I thought what I needed was for ex-MC to answer the question of whether it was my saying "I love you so much" that led to the phone call/boundary shift. But that he'd basically answered that question in the affirmative. And now it seems like I'm looking for something else.

I said he'd admitted before that he should have been more consistent with boundaries. T asked what boundaries I thought he meant. I said I assumed with outside individual contact, particularly since he said at end of that call that I needed to reduce contact. And because for the phone call a month later, he insisted that H be on it. T said that could be it or maybe he meant other boundaries, we have no way of knowing. I said true.

T: "I almost wonder if, because of that (I love you so much) email, he was doing like a 'Sixth Sense' or 'The Unusual Suspects' thing with your relationship, where that email was the twist." Me: "You mean 'The Usual Suspects?'" T: "Yes. Where he'd maybe assumed all along that your feelings for him were paternal, and he was responding to you in that way. And then you send that email, and he's thinking romantic love. And now he's looking back on the relationship thinking about things you said and that he said differently." Me: "Hm...though I feel at times it was just paternal." T: "Right, but if he's thinking in terms of that email... I'm just saying where his mind could have been going." Me: "Yeah...like thinking about comments he'd made to me, how I could have read them." T: "Yes."

T said maybe the reason things happened as they did was partly because of the place ex-MC was in at the time. Me: "With his wife being sick then dying?" T: "Yes." I said maybe he wasn't being as effective as he could be. T: "But even if he was on his B game, that could still be much better than many T's A games." Me: "I guess?"

Me: "It may have just been the combination of circumstances, like who I was then, who he was, what he was dealing with." T: "Yes, that could be." Me: "It makes me think of...this is probably a weird thing, but it makes me think of this Built to Spill lyric: 'Two trains that crash before you ever thought crashing could happen to you.' I know maybe that doesn't seem to make sense in this case, but it kinda makes me think of two people crashing together, just the way they are and how they interact. I don't know..."

We had 10-15 minutes left. I said I wanted to briefly talk about some stuff with him, like from Thursday/Friday. T looked puzzled and said: "You saw me both Thursday and Friday, two days in a row?" Me: "Uh, yes? To talk about the stuff with your son" (thinking "It was only 4 days ago, FFS!")

I said I knew we'd talked about it Friday, and maybe it seemed OK, but I'd been thinking about it more since then. And how I need to discuss it more. T said OK. I started crying and said how someone on PC had said something to me that resonated, that she has a sibling on the spectrum and often feels more comfortable talking about him with others who have family members on the spectrum, because they "get it," and it feels safer. Me: "I think that's what I was feeling with you, that when I thought your son was on the spectrum, you 'got it' in a way that many other people wouldn't. Even more than just anyone in a therapist role. Because I thought you had the personal connection. So it felt safer. And now...maybe it doesn't feel as safe."

T said something about it being safe to talk to him as a therapist. I said yes, but still less safe than when I felt he understood from a personal level. This led to him asking if I felt I needed to see a therapist who had similar issues to mine. T: "For example, I don't experience anxiety issues the way you do." Me: "Yeah, I figured that. But ex-MC does have anxiety--he told us in an early session that he'd been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and not sure if that helped me ultimately." T: "Wow, he really does disclose a lot." Me: "Yeah, and he talked about issues he had with his father, too. But I don't know that I need a therapist who has the same issues. I mean, I doubt I'd be able to find anyone with the same exact pathologies anyway. Or that manifested themselves in the same way." T: "Good point. So then why does this with autism seem more important to you?" Me: "I guess...I mean, with anxiety and depression, I feel that most people can sort of figure out what that feels like. I mean, everyone has felt a bit anxious or sad at some point. So, it's like just multiply that out. I don't know..."

Me (crying): "I think...when we were talking about topics related to that, like with my D...I just felt particularly connected to you. Like you seemed...different during those interactions, I'm not sure how to explain it. And now it's like I don't know if I can trust that connection was real, or that other times I've felt particularly connected to you were real." T: "I can understand it might feel like you've been lied to." Me: "Yes, OK, I'm glad you understand that. I mean, it's not the same as if you had outright told me a lie, because I heard it elsewhere...But I mean, I think it's logical to assume, because you didn't dispute it then, how I just assumed it was true and informed my understanding of you based on that." T: "I can understand that."

Me: "Hm, OK, I recall you saying, kinda early on in seeing you, that it felt like in trying to figure out, I was looking for pieces to the puzzle of who you are. Well, this, it feels like I had part of the puzzle put together, then someone came along and ripped that section out. And now it's like I don't know if any of the pieces are put together right anymore, I don't know if my image of who you are is just totally wrong." T seemed to get it when I put it that way. And he remembered the puzzle comparison.

Me: "I think also...I get the sense we're very different people. But this was something we had in common, a connection. And now it's like this is gone, so...maybe what holds us together? I don't know." T: "What do you mean by us being different?" Me: "Well, for example, you're an athlete, I'm not, I'm really into music, you're not." T: "So, interests. I was wondering what you were going to come up with there." Me: "And also I just feel like your general way of looking at the world is very different from mine." T didn't disagree.

We'd been talking for 59 minutes. I said I knew we had to stop, that talking about both ex-MC and T's son had helped, I thought he understood more now, why the stuff with his son was affecting me so much. He said he did, too. Confirmed Mon. and Wed. I asked out of curiosity if he had any availability this Friday, just in case (since I'm not due to see him anymore this week). He said he has a few early afternoon sessions available. I said not to schedule me now, I'd see how I was doing. He said that was fine.

I went over to pay, saying I was trying to remember which credit card to use, as we were using certain ones for Christmas shopping. T (smiling): "You don't have to explain." Me: "Yeah, I mean, they should all have space on them, unless H went crazy and bought me a car, like in those annoying commercials." T: "Ugh, yeah." Now, I feel I most likely misheard what he said next, but I swear it sounded like he said, "If my ex-wife had bought me a car, I'd have killed her." I'm sure he just said "If my own wife" or something like that (or maybe this is his second marriage?), but it was still like, wait, what? (especially combined with his often not wearing his ring). But I'm just going with the assumption I'd misheard.

Shook hands, he said have a good rest of the week. Me: "Right...it's only Tuesday." T: "Yes, you still have a lot of days to go!" Me: "Yeah..." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."
Hugs from:
ChickenNoodleSoup, LabRat27, lucozader, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, unaluna
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LabRat27, lucozader, SalingerEsme