Got a new prescription, lamictal. Hopefully this will work, Im so close to losing everything I have. Really I just want to give up, I want to hurt myself, I want to drink until I black out again, I dont give a sh*^ about what happens to me. But I love my kids so Im pushing through those feelings for their sake. But if I keep having issues I wont be around them much anyway so then I guess there wont be any point in trying anymore.

I keep thinking Im slowing down on my own, Im ok, and then I only sleep a few hours and Im up cleaning and going for a long run or my thoughts turn bad and start racing. And Im still not eating, my body needs this to end, I already lost 10lbs in just over a month and I didnt need to lose it. So I guess I need help even though I dont want it.

Convinced myself last night to see the Dr and now I just have to convince myself to follow through, Im constantly going back and forth in my mind. Hopefully if I can get the first dose down I will be able to keep going. Have appts with my Dr and T next week so I have to try to keep those as well as I have been cancelling all my appts lately.