Thats kind of funny in its own weird way. Its as exactly as you said Christina and Cyran0. I can put up the act enough to convince myself but it is lurking and when I am alone is when it comes for me. On the other hand i strive to be alone as often as possible. Not much sense for me to do that but I do so anyway. I tell myself its the only time I can truly relax.

Lenny, I like the hoping for hope line. It fits me pretty well. I hope that this therapist will be the magic wand, this med, this month, this year even. Patience for the unknown is truly a virtue. If someone told me next decade will be the time, I could wait. Its the not knowing if its in the cards at all that makes patience truly hard.

Thanks to all for the responses