Today has been bouncy.

Didn't want to get up but eventually I did. I was in late but I get away with this because I'll also work at 3am.

The morning was chaotic at work, ... I wasn't but people around me.. most people I find are unaware of themselves, which does get to me some times.

Any ways, the get together was ok, not as past years but let's face it- not as many people and it's been a rough year and the briefing and a lot of stuff was going on today ((honestly I think the get together should had been moved but w/e)).

I was up and down the day, but got a lot accomplished and was trying to be happy to take my small creations around to people that may have missed or didn't pick one up ((sorry, I didn't want to take a bunch of candy canes home))..
Right now I am thinking- how pathetic am I? I dont have outside work things, so I spent time decorating these candy canes for 3 pales to be left at first until I was like-- you people are taking at least one.
I am sorry, I didn't shove many at everyone, and I was very appreciative for those who did like them.. it was nice to see some smiles with people that saw them.
I did tell one person that they were getting one and I didn't care if they didn't want it, and one person I just sat it next to them and didn't say a damm word ((the guy I had a tiff in November)).

I got home and just wanted to go to bed. But I knew that wasnt a good idea..
Went to two USPS places to find a box of some albuterol solution to a friend ((the doctor or pharmacy messed up, this old HS friend uses this same solution and even the doctor mentioned if I took it back to the pharmacy they'd toss it.. I rather give this mistake to someone that can use it, sorry if that's wrong to some people).it's albuterol and she uses it to breathe better. Not a narcotic.

I decided since i am going to have to ship the box to get a few cards.. i have like two or three people for cards .. so, I got these cool pop out cards because only like 12 in the box and I dont or want 20.
These cards are cool but, the mass production has been poorly done. They are off on alignment and the company obviously didn't think about the envelopes they paired up with these cards-- or they didn't think about the hanging side for the pop out tree... i posted my annoyance on fb but I doubt any connection here and there and even if so- everyone knows I have issues.. ((isn't that why we dont hang out?)).
I am debating on sending one to the brother that I am very leery of that gave me his address because I wouldn't give him mine... I want a connection but I don't think that's where I'll find a healthy one.

I am .. idk.. I want to be ****ing happy for this holiday season and be up beat and looking forward and positive.... but oi... I am slipping a bit

Have had some sui thoughts, more like "it's going to happen some day" or "why not now?" ((Have dogs to watch so that's a reason, I like the dogs and it helps out my friend and the dogs too I like to believe).

My ex tried to sit with me while I started on the card messages but unfortunately he was complaining about feeling Ill and left... idk why but I was feeling like I was about to tell him to leave anyways. I dont understand why he wants to hang out, I broke up with him... I am not a good fit for him or anyone it seems like.