Firstly I know I need to see a professional about it but I’m very scared. I’m only asking for opinions maybe some guidance. I know you can’t diagnose me.

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I was sexually abused for over 12 years and my coping mechanism has always been dissociating. And it’s always been a huge part of my life. When something traumatic happens I dissociate. When I can’t handle something I dissociate even with small things but I generally just have a lot of triggers. I thought it might be dissociative amnesia. But I black out on a consistent basis and based on documentaries and research, dissociative amnesia isn’t on a consistent basis DID is? I’ve always known I have some sort of dissociative disorder since I was very young when the abuse started. But I didn’t research it for a long time because I was scared.

I just recently got curious and now I’m like wow....... I could have DID.

I also am childlike in general but I have this other uh....... state of mind I call it. Where I black out and it literally feels like a little girl around 5 years old is taking over my body. And she feels so alone and has no one to talk too. She or I,... I don’t even know how to address her... wants friends but they see me as 22 not 5 and it makes her cry and feel so alone. It’s so confusing. She cries then I snap out of it. And I’m like wtf?

How do I make her not feel alone... she wants to play and be loved.

I black out and don’t remember getting to certain places, saying certain things etc.

Any opinion or advice is appreciated thanks a lot in advance.