When i entered session today, I felt more then usual that I wanted T to talk, to reach out to me, to say something. She didn't and I felt myself getting more and more angry...after a while, I said I want to get out of here...T then said can I say more?...man don't ya just hate those questions sometimes....I felt myself holding it all back,, not wanting her to see my anguish...then it started to snowball and I felt I would explode in a moment if she didnt say something...but she didn't and I suddenly wanted to hide my anger/pain away from her...didn't want her to get delight out of my anger/pain/frustration..but as I thought and fetl all of this I also knew that this is MY therapy and what is the point of sitting not saying anything..but it was hard...I wanted to punish her to with my silence...with my holding back...then as I started to talk and tell her that I had got rid of "it" now and she could no take delight in my anger/pain...she said, what like your mother would?...then I started to "remember" I talked about how it felt like one minute she was putting my head under water and I was struggling to breathe, the when she (mother) would bring my head back up she'd be telling me how it was for my own good that she said/did these things to me/for me...that I didn't know what to think..how could your "idol" one moment be trying to hurt you and in the next rescue you?...T said it was confusing...so to end the confusion you would fall down on one side, HERS?....then I realised T was not my mother, taht she wasn't wanting to take enjoyment in my pain...I suddenly but quietly said, I guess your not my mother as my consiousness came back into focus/here and now...she said no....I said I hate I do this..confuse you..T said its a kind of remembering...by confusing me you get to remember it in real terms....we get to put words to it...I've never realised the importance of the "blank canvas" as much as I did today..if T had filled the session up with talking, I'd never have started to go into "remembering"...it was a relief at the end to know T is T and what I remember has already happened. and to put words to it..