On Tuesday after a big trigger my dormant PTSD (for over two years) kicked back into full gear. For a time I lost contact with reality and became actively homocidal for reasons I won't go into. This year has been a particularly tough year with poor physical and mental health along with some deep losses. I manage to pull myself back into reality but have struggled ever since with rage, grief and constant dissociation. My T thinks bipolar is fueling this and I am at risk of a psychotic break but my pdoc thinks it is only trauma and has referred me to yoga specific for trauma to help me ground myself.

A few years ago a perfect storm similar to this did lead to a psychotic break which is why my T is so concerned and my current pdoc wasn't around at that time so is not aware of it. Now they are both going on leave until mid January so I will just have to hold on and try to stay grounded till then. This comes a few weeks after stabilising from a horror mixed episode that landed me IP for a month involving ECT which seemed to calm things down. I thought I was finally stabilising and now this. Sigh ... This year has been illness after illness. No wonder I am full of rage. Well that plus a huge amount of past trauma resurfacing. AAAGGGHHHH!!!