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Oh no doubt, I know that, it's like with grief in general. I still miss my dog every day of my life but I'm able to feel more "normal" now, and not like my world is ending. I've made peace with him being gone. I have also acknowledged, here and to him, that in 2 years neither of us may care and that's ok, it's all on me to reach out if I decide at the point

I think what you said right off is good... like he is SO paranoid and anxious about getting in trouble and yes we even discussed that, and he told me "I will feel more comfortable and less anxious about it all in a few years time" so in that way, it's like, he's asking me for that space to see how we both feel then, and I get it. I guess what you said also makes sense, because if I was allowed to still talk, I would be bugging him a lot.... and maybe that is ok in a few years but for now, we both need time to see if this is really a thing or not. If it is, great, if not, that's ok too. (well it doesn't seem that way now but in 2 years I'm sure I will be ok with it not being a thing)

I am sure there are plenty of "bad" stories with this, heck I have read them on here but there has to be good ones too? Right? Therapists and clients are humans after all, so therefore, sometimes, good things come in unexpected ways sometimes.

The thing is, also about your attention and support etc, OMG I'd love to be able to actually support him... I don't care so much about that for me, I'm used to not having it and I LOATHE attention so I'd be happy to not have that. I told him, all the sessions we did out of office felt more natural for me, because I felt we could just be... two people talking and laughing and just being in public, I didn't feel like he was sitting there looking at me and wanting me to say certain things, which is why I hated office sessions. (just wanted to point that out cuz I'm odd and seriously therapy was so awful for me in THAT sense, I only kept going to talk to him because we had so much fun together )

** Also, I am for sure not gonna sit around and count the days, I'd go insane. I am only struggling now because the reality of him being gone has hit me but I am making plans, like for travel and such. I have a new job and I plan to move and do volunteer things, I am even teaching a class in May, so I've got things to look forward to besides obsess over him. I had to do that sort of thing too when my dog died, or i would have gone crazy*