Hi AB2371

Did I write somewhere that my wife is happy? She is not.
I hoped that with her new lover she would become happy and better towards the children, but not at all. The opposite happend.

Her stories reflect grief and sadness, but the reason for all problems in her entire life am I, according to her actual stories.

Her lover is paranoid! He writes to the court that he is full of fear before me, even though there is no reason, I never threatened him, was always friendly, wrote friendly e-mails...

My wife once told him that I have guns - and that is right, but she must told him more as he went straight to the police to tell them that I want to shoot him!

I'm in Spain, I have bought my legal guns AFTER I made a psychological test that I am sane and all the licenses necessary.
I would never ever shoot anyone with my guns, but in self-defense. I do not feel any danger coming from him towards me, I have never threatened anyone with my guns, none of those two people have ever seen them, but he went to the police that he fears I could shoot him.
The police checked my licence and then, when the court trial was taking place, I was there alone and he did not show up, so the judge had an easy decision in my favor. He was so afraid before me, he did not even come to the court where the judge wanted to evaluate the situation...

That was 3 months ago and I was not sure about what mythomania exactly means, I was sure about lot of lies, today I understand that my wife told him horror-stories what I could do to him and he simply believed that.

I have a partner. The last 3 years, I was living with my wife and a common friend, who cared about our children, helped with the family and helped to give my wife more time for herself, to make art and not bother others.

So, when my wife chased me away (including my father and my partner and her father), we moved to another place. Thus, I live with my partner, father and her father, every second week with my children as well.
I am fine. To me, this type of life is much nicer and happier than before, when everyday I had to struggle to please my wife so she would not send her hate to everyone around...

BUT I see my children suffering, that is the only motivation I have to deal with those two people.
When she chased me out, this was possible only because I thought she had a free will, as her psychiatrist told me so, so I went and hoped she would become better without me around.

I let me chase out and hoped for the situation would become better, but: no way. As always hopes invoked in me by her just made that the opposite would happen...

She must live in the constant battle against "the enemy" that is threatening her fabrications. You can imagine that ALWAYS someone threatens her fabrications by simply being alive and telling the truth.
There is no paradise for her, no situation when she can feel comfortable and safe.

I feel sorry for her, but if it was only about me, I would not want to talk a single word with her anymore. So somehow I might have even supported her lover by not making problems to him at all, not seeing that he is a weak, overgrown infant and immediately lost himself in my wife's stories and became a kind of "weapon of the unconscious evil side" of my wife.

From my point of view now, I should not went away but enforce a therapy on her as my wife and scare away any other person trying to come close to her. But for such acting I would have needed sureness that she indeed is insane and cannot decide for herself.
Today, I have this sureness only in my own point of view, but not officially and officially I cannot get it anymore as such thoughts are taken as threads against the "poor left-alone wife".

I have no grief and no sadness concering my person and my life, I would be happy if she was gone away with someone else who would use his energy day by day to keep her in a state of "somehow OK".

I have a partner, my children love my partner, have been playing with her since 2015, my old father is living with us and my partner's father is taking care about my father... nice situation, love and respect here.

From what you write about you, I am indeed more reminded on my sister. I m 10 years older than her, when she was 8 years old, I left the house of our parents, but I have tried to talk to her many times until she was about 26and after this lost almost completely the contact.
I could never "reach" her, because I always tried to explain reality to her. That is the LAST she wanted to hear from me.
When she told me her stories, I immediately tried to make her aware of the impossibility of her story, she did not want to hear that.

I remember when she told her school-mates, who mostly hated her, that when they come to her birthday-party, everyone who would stay until the end, would receive a golden rabbit.

All came, all stayed until the end and then my mother and I had to tell the school-mates that there are no golden rabbits. Stories like this led to the fact that no one wanted to be friend with her and she lied more and more to somehow attract the most "insane" people to be friends to believe her.

NPD is so very complicated to deal with, especially because the people with this condition I know do not seek any help. People with pain or many other mental conditions, like depression, do seek help, but NPD means that the person is sure s/he is the most sane person on earth and everyone saying something different is a "sick enemy" that must be "battled down with all hate possible".

AB, you seem to know that you are not "the most sane person on earth", is it that you have periods where you feel your condition somehow, intuitively know that you need help and people telling you the truth can be good people that out of love want to help you?

Do you have a partner, what happens if he/she confronts you with things you do not want to hear?

Example of me and my wife, many years ago... my wife tells me: I will make the dish-washing, you go do .... . So I go and do what was negotiated and come back and the dish-washing is not done.
I say: hey, you told me you would wash the dishes!?

She gives no answer, as if she would not hear.

I again: Darling, didn't you want to wash the dishes?

She: Why you are making me always feel inferior, what did I do to you that you must insist on completely un-important details? Haven't I suffered enough from you? You can do that yourself, no?

I again: well yes, I can do that myself, right, but we have agreed to that I make ... and you do the dish-washing! You proposed that yourself!

She: I received an important call, had to do so many other things, for YOUR sake and you always bother me with completely unimportant stuff, the **** dishes are rediculous, why you want to always fight with me... and then starts a fight about things another 5 years back supposedly happen and the only reaction is to: stop talking about this. Sometimes she then would wash the dishes in a way I would better done it myself.

and so on. As example.
As conclusion:
I can be sure that I cannot be sure about anything but that she would NEVER EVER do exactly what was negotiated. Never, as if it would be the worst thing in life to do EXACTLY what was agreed to.
Not a single time in 17 years that I know her.

The most easy things she would NOT do, instead maybe do some (less and un-important) other things or do the tasks in another way, create lot of additional trouble... I sometimes thought it is intention to NOT do what she said she would do, but today I see it different.

I think that the agreement to her has no intrisinic value, because she agrees to something, I believe her that she will do it and that is all.
An agreement is just another story, only here to make the other person believe - for some short time, ANYTHING, does not matter what. "Believe me, I will wash the dishes!" - I believe you! That it. there is no further consequence.

Later, when the fullfillment of the agreement is asked for, this is an attack to the story, a statment of DOUBT ("did you wash the dishes"). Does not matter that the dishes lay around unwashed and everyone can see that they are not washed, she does not feel obliged to wash the dishes just because she said she would.

"wash the dishes" can be anything. Whatever action an adult person agrees to do. "Drive the children to school". They come late 50% of all HER days. They never come late with me. They would come late 100% of all her days if the children themselfs would not be old enough to know it's better to come in time, so they try to make their mother be ready "in time". And fail 50% of the days.

When I tell her that this is not good for her custody-claims, she takes this as attack against her person and starts ranting on me how bad father I am and that my only intention is to make her suffer and take her children away from her.

Sorry, for explaining so in detail, I thought you might find patters of your bahavior and can tell ways to deal with that...

Thank you for your trouble and time,
best wishes
David